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"I make my practices real hard because if a player is a quitter, I want him to quit in practice, not in a game." Bear Bryant / Alabama

"It isn't necessary to see a good tackle, you can hear it!"
- Knute Rockne / Notre Dame

"At Georgia Southern, we don't cheat. That costs money, and we don't have any."
Erik Russell / Georgia Southern

"The man who complains about the way the ball bounces is likely to be the one who dropped it."- Lou Holtz / Arkansas - Notre Dame

"When you win, nothing hurts."- Joe Namath / Alabama

"A school without football is in danger of deteriorating into a medieval study hall."
- Frank Leahy / Notre Dame

"There's nothing that cleanses your soul like getting the **** kicked out of you."
- Woody Hayes / Ohio State

"I don't expect to win enough games to be put on NCAA probation. I just want to win enough to warrant an investigation."- Bob Devaney / Nebraska

"In Alabama, an atheist is someone who doesn't believe in Bear Bryant."
- Wally Butts / Georgia

"I never graduated from Iowa. But I was only there for two terms - Truman's and Eisenhower's." Alex Karras / Iowa

"My advice to defensive players is to take the shortest route to the ball, and arrive in a bad humor."- Bowden Wyatt / Tennessee

"I could have been a Rhodes Scholar except for my grades."
- Duffy Daugherty / Michigan State

"Always remember Goliath was a 40 point favorite over David."
- Shug Jordan / Auburn

"I asked Darrell Royal, the coach of the Texas Longhorns, why he didn't recruit me."
He said,"Well, Walt, we took a look at you, and you weren't any good."
- Walt Garrison / Oklahoma State

"Son, you've got a good engine, but your hands aren't on the steering wheel."
- Bobby Bowden / Florida State

"Football is NOT a contact sport, it is a collision sport. Dancing IS a contact sport." - Duffy Daugherty / Michigan State

After USC lost 51-0 to Notre Dame, his post-game message to his team was, "All those who need showers, take them"- John McKay / USC

"If lessons are learned in defeat, our team is getting a great education."
- Murray Warmath / Minnesota

"The only qualifications for a lineman are to be big and dumb. To be a back, you only have to be dumb."- Knute Rockne / Notre Dame

"We live one day at a time and scratch where it itches."- Darrell Royal / Texas

"We didn't tackle well today, but we made up for it by not blocking."
- John McKay / USC

"I've found that prayers work best when you have big players."
- Knute Rockne / Notre Dame

Ohio State 's Urban Meyer on one of his players: "He doesn't know the meaning of the word fear. In fact, I just saw his grades and he doesn't know the meaning of a lot of words."

Why do Auburn fans wear orange? So they can dress that way for the game on Saturday, go hunting on Sunday, and pick up trash on Monday.

What does the average Alabama player get on his SATs? Drool.

How many Michigan State freshmen football players does it take to change a light bulb? None. That's a sophomore course.

How did the Auburn football player die from drinking milk? The cow fell on him.

Two Texas A&M football players were walking in the woods. One of them said, "Look, a dead bird." The other looked up in the sky and said,"Where?"

What do you say to a Florida State University football player dressed in a three-piece suit? "Will the defendant please rise."

If three Rutgers football players are in the same car, who is driving?
The police officer.

How can you tell if a Clemson football player has a girlfriend?
There's tobacco juice on both sides of the pickup truck.

What do you get when you put 32 Arkansas cheerleaders in one room?
A full set of teeth.

University of Michigan Coach Jim Harbaugh is only going to dress half of his players for the game this week; the other half will have to dress themselves.

How is the Kansas football team like an opossum?
They play dead at home and get killed on the road.

Why did the Tennessee linebacker steal a police car?
He saw "911" on the side and thought it was a Porsche.

How do you get a former University of Miami football player off your porch?
Pay him for the pizza.

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Those are classics! Maybe we can resurrect this in the fall, when we're looking for fun things to say about our opponents.

Here are two more actual ones:

Oregon state trooper (noticing marijuana smoke billowing out of the widow of the car he just pulled over): "Do you have marijuana in your possession?" One of the Oregon football players in the car: "Nah, we smoked it all."

Joe Kapp (addressing the sports journalists on the Pac 10 Skywriters Tour as they made their way south through the conference): "I hear you're going down to P***y Land tomorrow. Tell Coach Elway I said 'Hi"".

Reporter to John McKay after a bad loss: "What did you think of your team's execution today?"
McKay: I think it would be an excellent idea.

Reporter to McKay: "Do you think having OJ carry the ball 40 times might be too much?"
McKay: Why? It's not heavy.

Stanfurd and Cal men at adjacent urinals. As the Cal man prepares to leave the restroom, the Stanfurd fellow says: "At Stanfurd we learn to wash our hands after urinating." The Cal man replies: "At Cal we don't piss on our hands."

Why does the University of Mississippi always pay their garbage bill on time?
If they don't, they stop delivering.

Steve Spurrier was one of the best and regularly infuriated fan-bases across the ACC and the SEC.
It started when he became head football coach at Duke in 1989 (and later won Duke's last ACC championship).

On Mack Brown: When Spurrier was at Duke and beat North Carolina, he and his team took a photo at midfield. Mack Brown, then at UNC, called Spurrier classless for the gesture. "Why? I've got a better record on that field than he does."

On Danny Wuerfful: Said Danny Wuerfful, "When Coach Spurrier spoke to me once after an interception he said, 'Danny, It's not your fault. It's my fault for putting you in the game.'"

On Florida State players hitting Danny Wuerffel late: "He's like a New Testament person. He gets slapped up side the face, and turns the other cheek and says, 'Lord, forgive them for they know not what they're doing.' I'm probably more of an Old Testament guy. You spear our guy in the earhole, we think we're supposed to spear you in the earhole. That's kind of where we're a little different."

On Auburn: When a fire at Auburn destroyed 20 books , Spurrier said: "The real tragedy was that 15 hadn't been colored yet."

On Alabama: "In 12 years at Florida, I don't think we ever signed a kid from the state of Alabama. Of course, we found out later that the scholarships they were giving out at Alabama were worth a whole lot more than ours."

On Arkansas: "I do feel badly for Arkansas. That's no fun getting your butt beat at home, homecoming and all that."

On Georgia, "I don't know. I sort of always liked playing them the second game because you could always count on them having two or three key players suspended."

On LSU: "You can have good ballplayers and still not win football games . . . all you LSU fans know about that."

But Spurrier's best quotes had to do with Tennessee (Spurrier's home state) when he was the coach at Florida and regularly beat Phil Fulmer's Volunteers and sent them to the SEC East consolation prize, the Citrus Bowl.

For years he would close pre-game press conferences for the Florida-Tennessee match-up with, "Just remember folks, you can't spell Citrus without U-T."

The year after Tennessee finally beat Florida, which then had to go to the Citrus Bowl instead of Tennessee, Spurrier's tune had changed, but not really, "We're going to Neyland Stadium, and we expect to be treated with a lot more respect this year because we are now the defending Citrus Bowl champions."

On another trip to Knoxville, "This will be the 14th time I've coached in Neyland Stadium. I've coached there more than some of their head coaches."

Need Cal Poly and TCU jokes

UrsaMajor said:

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Reporter to John McKay after a bad loss: "What did you think of your team's execution today?"
McKay: I think it would be an excellent idea.

Reporter to McKay: "Do you think having OJ carry the ball 40 times might be too much?"
McKay: Why? It's not heavy.

Stanfurd and Cal men at adjacent urinals. As the Cal man prepares to leave the restroom, the Stanfurd fellow says: "At Stanfurd we learn to wash our hands after urinating." The Cal man replies: "At Cal we don't piss on our hands."

Why does the University of Mississippi always pay their garbage bill on time?
If they don't, they stop delivering.

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That is some legendary material. Wow

Two businessmen were having lunch together. Said the first:

"I hear that the only people that go to USC are football players and prostitutes."

Said the second: "I beg your pardon, my daughter goes to USC."

Uncomfortable pause: "Really, what position does she play?"

Thank you, thank you, I'll be here all week.

Larno said:

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Two businessmen were having lunch together. Said the first:

"I hear that the only people that go to USC are football players and prostitutes."

Said the second: "I beg your pardon, my daughter goes to USC."

Uncomfortable pause: "Really, what position does she play?"

Thank you, thank you, I'll be here all week.

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"Try the veal. It's the best"
"Don't forget to tip your waitress."

fify