> Subject: How to Give Pills to Cats and Dogs
>
> How to Give a Cat a Pill...
>
> 1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a
> baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth>
> and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat
> opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
>
> 2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left
> arm and repeat process.
>
> 3) Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
>
> 4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws
> tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with
> right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
>
> 5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call
> spouse from garden.
>
> 6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear
> paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly
> with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler
> and rub cat's throat vigorously.
>
> 7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make
> note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered
> figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
>
> 8) Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just
> visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth
> open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
>
> 9) Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take
> taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet
> with cold water and soap.
>
> 10) Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer.
> Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing.
> Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic
> band.
>
> 11) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges.
> Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress
> to cheek and check records for tetanus shot. Apply
> whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw tee
> shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
>
> 12) Call fire department to retrieve the cat from tree across the road.
> Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat.
> Take last pill from foil wrap.
>
> 13) Tie the front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to
> leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill
> into mouth followed by large piece of steak filet. Be rough about it. Hold
> head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
>
> 14) Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency
> room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and remove pill
> remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new
> table.
>
> 15) Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat and call local pet shop to see if
> they have any hamsters.
>
>
>
> How to Give A Dog A Pill...
>
> 1) Wrap it in bacon.
>
>
>
>
> How to Give a Cat a Pill...
>
> 1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a
> baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth>
> and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat
> opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
>
> 2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left
> arm and repeat process.
>
> 3) Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
>
> 4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws
> tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with
> right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
>
> 5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call
> spouse from garden.
>
> 6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear
> paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly
> with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler
> and rub cat's throat vigorously.
>
> 7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make
> note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered
> figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
>
> 8) Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just
> visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth
> open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
>
> 9) Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take
> taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet
> with cold water and soap.
>
> 10) Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer.
> Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing.
> Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic
> band.
>
> 11) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges.
> Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress
> to cheek and check records for tetanus shot. Apply
> whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw tee
> shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
>
> 12) Call fire department to retrieve the cat from tree across the road.
> Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat.
> Take last pill from foil wrap.
>
> 13) Tie the front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to
> leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill
> into mouth followed by large piece of steak filet. Be rough about it. Hold
> head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
>
> 14) Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency
> room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and remove pill
> remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new
> table.
>
> 15) Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat and call local pet shop to see if
> they have any hamsters.
>
>
>
> How to Give A Dog A Pill...
>
> 1) Wrap it in bacon.
>
>
>