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Take the Money and Run (1969)
Virgil: After fifteen minutes I wanted to marry her, and after half an hour I completely gave up the idea of stealing her purse.
Bananas (1971)
Nancy: I want to go and work with pygmies in Africa... and I want to work with lepers in a leper colony. I don't think that you...
Fielding Mellish: I'm willing to... No, that's perfectly OK. I love leprosy! If that's what you're asking me... I'm perfectly willing to... I like leprosy, I like cholera. I like all the major skin diseases.
Nancy: You're immature, Fielding.
Fielding Mellish: [whining] How am I immature?
Nancy: Well, emotionally, sexually, and intellectually.
Fielding Mellish: Yeah, but what other ways?
Fielding Mellish: I move for a mistrial! Do you realize there's not a single homosexual on that jury?
Judge: Yes there is.
Fielding Mellish: Oh, really, which one? Is it the big guy at the end?
Play It Again, Sam (1972)
Nancy: My lawyer will call your lawyer.
Allan: I don't have a lawyer. Have him call my doctor.
Allan: That's quite a lovely Jackson Pollock, isn't it?
Museum Girl: Yes, it is.
Allan: What does it say to you?
Museum Girl: It restates the negativeness of the universe. The hideous lonely emptiness of existence. Nothingness. The predicament of Man forced to live in a barren, Godless eternity like a tiny flame flickering in an immense void with nothing but waste, horror and degradation, forming a useless bleak straitjacket in a black absurd cosmos.
Allan: What are you doing Saturday night?
Museum Girl: Committing suicide.
Allan: What about Friday night?
Love and Death (1975)
Boris: If, by some mistake, I'm not killed tomorrow, would you marry me?
Sonja: What do you think the odds are?
Sonja: Oh don't, Boris, please. Sex without love is an empty experience.
Boris: Yes, but as empty experiences go, it's one of the best.
Boris: I got a perfect build for clothes. I'm a twenty-eight dwarf.
Countess Alexandrovna: You are the greatest lover I've ever had.
Boris: Well, I practice a lot when I'm alone.
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“I love Cal deeply. What are the directions to The Portal from Sproul Plaza?”