How to Give a Cat a Pill........
1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if
holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either
side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks
while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into
mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle
cat in left arm and repeat process.
3) Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding
rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push
pill to back of mouth with right fore-finger. Hold mouth shut
for a count of ten.
5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of
wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees,
hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat.
Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing
wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's
throat vigorously.
7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil
wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains.
Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth
and set to one side for gluing later.
8) Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with
head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking
straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking
straw.
9) Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink
glass of water to take taste away. Apply band-aid to
spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold
water and soap.
10) Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill.
Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head
showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill
down throat with elastic band.
11) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door
back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check
records for date of last tetanus jab. Throw Tee-shirt away
and fetch new one from bedroom.
12) Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the
road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while
swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.
13) Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and
bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning
gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large
piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of
water down throat to wash pill down.
14) Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit
quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and
removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on
way home to order new table.
15) Arrange for RSPCA to collect cat and ring local pet shop
to see if they have any hamsters.
HOW TO GIVE A DOG A PILL.........
1) Wrap it in bacon.
1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if
holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either
side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks
while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into
mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle
cat in left arm and repeat process.
3) Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding
rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push
pill to back of mouth with right fore-finger. Hold mouth shut
for a count of ten.
5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of
wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees,
hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat.
Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing
wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's
throat vigorously.
7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil
wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains.
Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth
and set to one side for gluing later.
8) Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with
head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking
straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking
straw.
9) Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink
glass of water to take taste away. Apply band-aid to
spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold
water and soap.
10) Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill.
Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head
showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill
down throat with elastic band.
11) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door
back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check
records for date of last tetanus jab. Throw Tee-shirt away
and fetch new one from bedroom.
12) Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the
road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while
swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.
13) Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and
bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning
gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large
piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of
water down throat to wash pill down.
14) Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit
quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and
removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on
way home to order new table.
15) Arrange for RSPCA to collect cat and ring local pet shop
to see if they have any hamsters.
HOW TO GIVE A DOG A PILL.........
1) Wrap it in bacon.