RESOLUTIONS.......
Are you sick of making the same resolutions year after year
and yet you never keep them? Here are some resolutions
that you can actually accomplish!
* Read less.
* I want to gain weight. Put on at least 30 pounds.
* Stop exercising. Waste of time.
* Watch more TV. I've been missing some good stuff.
* Procrastinate more.
* Drink. Drink some more.
* Start being superstitious.
* Spend more time at work.
* Stop bringing lunch from home: I should eat out more.
* Take up a new habit: maybe smoking!
* Start buying lottery tickets at a luckier store.
* Learn what the hell "resolution" means.
------------------------------------------------------------
STEPS TO QUITTING.......
A young man at a New Year's party turns to his friend and
asks for a cigarette.
"I thought you made a New Year's resolution to quit
smoking," his friend says.
"I'm in the process of quitting," the man says. "Right now, I
am in the middle of phase one."
"What's phase one?"
"I've quit buying."
-------------------------------------------------------------
NEW YEAR'S EVE........
On New Year's Eve, Linda stood up in the local pub and said
that it was time to get ready. At the stroke of midnight, she
wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person
who made his life worth living.
Well, it was kind of embarrassing. As the clock struck -- the
bartender was almost crushed to death.
------------------------------------------------------------
A NEW PRAYER FOR THE ELDERLY.......
God, grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked
anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones that I do, and
the eyesight to tell the difference.
Are you sick of making the same resolutions year after year
and yet you never keep them? Here are some resolutions
that you can actually accomplish!
* Read less.
* I want to gain weight. Put on at least 30 pounds.
* Stop exercising. Waste of time.
* Watch more TV. I've been missing some good stuff.
* Procrastinate more.
* Drink. Drink some more.
* Start being superstitious.
* Spend more time at work.
* Stop bringing lunch from home: I should eat out more.
* Take up a new habit: maybe smoking!
* Start buying lottery tickets at a luckier store.
* Learn what the hell "resolution" means.
------------------------------------------------------------
STEPS TO QUITTING.......
A young man at a New Year's party turns to his friend and
asks for a cigarette.
"I thought you made a New Year's resolution to quit
smoking," his friend says.
"I'm in the process of quitting," the man says. "Right now, I
am in the middle of phase one."
"What's phase one?"
"I've quit buying."
-------------------------------------------------------------
NEW YEAR'S EVE........
On New Year's Eve, Linda stood up in the local pub and said
that it was time to get ready. At the stroke of midnight, she
wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person
who made his life worth living.
Well, it was kind of embarrassing. As the clock struck -- the
bartender was almost crushed to death.
------------------------------------------------------------
A NEW PRAYER FOR THE ELDERLY.......
God, grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked
anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones that I do, and
the eyesight to tell the difference.