Unit2Sucks said:
DiabloWags said:
Unit2Sucks said:
If I were a donor to Cal sports I would be extremely frustrated with wasting hundreds of thousands of dollars on a high priced law firm like Munger conducting a pointless investigation. This easily could have been done internally or with a more cost effective investigation. These big expensive law firms are incredibly poor value for something like this. Could easily end up in the 7 figures and take more than a year.
I know of a guy that is retired from law enforcement and he worked for UC Berkeley's HR Dept., conducting investigations regarding complaints of harassment.
He would interview the various parties in question, do a 30 page write-up of a report that included direct quotes, and then an Administrator official that he reported to would read his report and say, "Do you really want to put that in there?"
Yes, if they were actually trying to investigate, someone like that would be fine.
The purpose of using a big name law firm is to insulate the university and administrators by relying on the unimpeachable expertise of the name brand they are forking the cash over to. No disrespect to the very fine lawyers who will no doubt be involved, but you don't need the keenest legal minds in the country to interview people and ask them what happened. Big law firms love doing these investigations because it's impossible for them to lose. Dan Snyder hired Gibson Dunn recently to "investigate" their sexual harassment. I've worked at firms that have done these investigations and let's just say it's a popular assignment.
With some help from the Onion:
In an abrupt change in position, Cal Chancellor Carol Christ announced in a Berkeley press conference today, that she is ending an independent investigation by an international law film into allegations against women's swim coach, Terry McKeever. These broad ranging accusations were reported in a newspaper article by reporter Scott Reid.
Christ indicated while all the accusations matter, she wanted a new type of coach for student-athletes attending Cal. She indicated that Cal was full of traditional grim, determined, and emotionally unavailable coaches, who often motivated their players through criticism, discipline and other forms of conduct that were no longer acceptable. "We need to adjust to the times," Christ indicated.
At this point, Christ introduced the new head women's swimming coach, Chloe Emma Goodwill, the mother of one of the swimmers accusing McKeever of misconduct. Goodwill promised the swimmers a new type of program with genuine humility and heartfelt remorse at past behavior. Goodwill noted: "we need to in incorporate safe spaces and trigger warnings, as well as a bias-response hotline for all player parents that reaches the very top of the Cal organization chart. After all, these parents are the ones who obsessed with getting their kids into increasingly competitive four-year colleges, refused to let their kids play outside by themselves, overscheduled them, and generally shielded them from the adversities of daily life that once forced young people to develop resilience and strength against adversity." Goodwill continued "that in the future all athletes will be treated the same, even if that means holding certain athletes back. By recruiting hundreds of high-profile athletes with natural speed, strength, and agility, Cal coaches were in a position to play favorites, at the expense of other players. That kind of behavior is now unacceptable. And competition- forget about it - every one of our dear little girls now gets a participation prize."
Christ returned to the podium to announce that coaches will no longer be allowed to raise their voices, curse, show anger or otherwise adversely the impact the culture of safety for Cal's psychologically fragile student-athletes. As such, Christ announced that Justin Wilcox and his entire coach staff had been terminated, as well as coaches Jack Clark, and Kirk Everist, and that Cal will be reevaluating the coaches of any other programs that had success in recent seasons. Christ added: "We, of course, will not examine our basketball programs, as it is clear from their records that there is no player discipline."
Christ indicated that the football program had been particularly egregious. Linemen were being bodied shamed by being told to get into shape and lose fat, suffering irreversible psychological trauma. "Any new coaches will never use the trigger words "shape" or "fat" again, that clearly are meant as microaggressions against sensitive large men," Christ announced. Moreover, "no coach will ever refer to our beloved rival across the Bay while using a word associated with a sexual act in the same sentence. That is just too much hate for our precious student-athletes to handle" said Christ. "That kind of language has no place in college football - except maybe on the field. And the locker rooms. And screamed from the stands. Coach Wilcox and his staff may have been modern coaches for explaining to players specifically why they was screaming at them, but we need to have pacificist, neutered coaches for our time. Finally, our great Cal neuroscientists, based on concepts they viewed on television, have developed a process so that the memories of football players and those in other violent sports, will be surgically divided between their sports careers and personal lives, so they will not have the relive the horror of their game experiences."
When asked if this approach might impact on the field results, Christ said that the key now is to have players returning from their athletic endeavors unrecognizably groomed and demure, in order to play important roles in the campus community where no one is exposed to intolerant and offensive ideas, such as colliding with an opponent. She indicated that Cal was now considering a new water polo coach that was known for introducing film study as a means for match preparation, teaching players the auteur theory that treats films as a reflection of the coach's vision and art, all as part of changing with the times and Cal's new values.
When asked if there would not have been value to a full investigation, Christ indicated that most serious Cal fans - those found on the website Bear Insider, - didn't want to wait for some 1,000-page report which dealt with extensive interviews and included sworn medical affidavits and other unnecessarily burdensome and time consuming activities. They wanted immediate action. She wanted to give these fans, many who are donors, what they wanted.
As for replacing Coach Wilcox, Chancellor Christ is considering selecting one particular poster on Bear Insider who claims Cal would have had a 915 winning percentage and five Rose Bowls wins in over 22 consecutive winning seasons, if only the Cal coaches would have listened to him.
Finally, Chancellor Christ indicated Coach McKeever had been demoted to the position of Vice-Chancellor of Undergraduate Studies, where she will oversee the studies of undergrad students, who Christ noted provide no real value to Berkeley, such as cutting edge research, and simply add to Campus deficits. Chancellor Christ refused to discuss the specifics of Coach McKeever's demotion, citing privacy concerns.