My Heisman Trophy ballot following Week 3:
1. Ole Miss QB Trinidad Chambliss
2. Mississippi State QB Kamario Taylor
3. Miami QB Darian Mensah
4. Ohio State WR Jeremiah Smith
5. Miami WR Malachi Toney
6. Florida RB Jadan Baugh
7. USC QB Jayden Maiava
8. Cal S Kingston Lopa
9.… https://t.co/691LGAbOxP

— Pete Nakos (@PeteNakos) September 21, 2026

former pacer kingston lopa's sudden closing SPEED (which needs to be exploited on BLITZES up the middle vs clemson's inexperienced freshman qb1) on the ball is ******* unreal!!

Make that 5️⃣ for @LopaKingston #GoBears pic.twitter.com/kRIS9Gi2UQ

— Cal Football (@CalFootball) September 21, 2026

coach syd's grant high school in sacramento (only a 90 minute drive for moms & the fam on fall gamedays to memorial stadium) is a PIPELINE to that cali bears football program!!

real talk: apex predator edge defenders pacer giovanni hodge (tole me on the field during the ucla pregame warm ups that he got a 3.8 gpa, gio is focused & exudes intensity), 3.8 gpa troy bowens from sutter high school & 3.5 gpa miles schirmer from powerhouse corona centennial high school all got legit opportunities to start/heavy playing rotation snaps as true freshmen in 2027!!

https://instagr.am/p/Ddahawiyk1s
THE TAKERS (get PAID in the NFL!!)#

Defensive. Back. University. https://t.co/W9eSLaobKu

— Thomas Dunn (@Thomasdunn24) September 20, 2026

clemson update:

https://instagr.am/p/DdeYCu_Dmtq
the tigers football program (which like most predominantly white schools in the deep south neither supports nor condones slavery) is nervously (multiple players already exhibiting symptoms of level 7 panic attacks) staring down wednesday's brutal 3000 miles plane flight from their ****hole truck stop town in south carolina to the cosmopolitan & spectacularly beautiful left coast (which will result in 74 of the team issued vomit bags & all 4 tiny undersized airplane lavatories overflowing) are now anxiously taking leaks/dumps in their lockers, that's 100% uncivilized & messed up (do they not got any shame??)!!

yeah the clemson tigers are a mid football program (dabo's run wuz a good one but it's ******* over now with his disdain for the transfer portal & wilcox thematic preference for hiring non performing assistant coaches/friends) with queasy stomachs & an inexperienced freshman qb1 who is not familiar with exotic well disguised BLITZ packages that are gonna result him leaving alta bates in a ******* body bag late friday nite!!

https://instagr.am/p/DG3celVOs_4
actual text conversation (lightly edited for legal reasons) between clemson qb1 tait reyonolds & shocky:

tait: look shocky, everybody in the tigers program including dabo is reading the monster right now, as a fellow zony can you do me a solid and clarify your kinda cryptic comment that i'm going to leave friday nite's game in a body bag?

shocky: sure tait, tell me about the typical safety blitz when u wuz the qb1 at queen creek high school??

tait: ok maybe a 5'7" 165 lb white boy from mesa mountain view high school that runs a hand timed 4.85 40 obviously signaling his intention to blitz from the free safety position

shocky: so this friday from a totally disguised BLITZ package 6'5" 210 lbs kingston lopa on the 2nd play of the tiger's 1st offensive series is gonna gallop towards you like an enraged leopard with electronic 4.5 40 speed and literally knock the living **** outta you!!

tait: wowza, appreciate the heads up, since we're probably not going to a bowl game this season when i get back to the desert this december for my post wheelchair rehab will you invite me to a princess courtney's modern yoga class?

shocky: sure, we can do that but ur not feeling them clemson coeds??

tait: shocks, most of them are illiterate and have been told by their deep south moms since age 6 that if they don't lock down a man before their "expiration date" of age 20 that their lives will be ruined~~

shocky: ay caramba, no es bueno!!

https://instagr.am/p/DdSzfpQOQRk
fun fact: mi amiga becky g's pr team tole her to tell fallon that this song is about her nephew but rebbeca tole the shockster with a laugh that she kinda of thought of me when she wrote this song, this is all very confusing as there's a reference to "inteligente" but no specific reference to the monster's 3.92 gpa while at berkeley which is kinda disappointing!!

https://instagr.am/p/BK1PpkdD858
https://instagr.am/p/DIbYqfhs9ic
^ real talk: if u don't got FREE all access backstage passes given to u by a performing artist at coachella then ur probably doing something wrong in life!!

The California Golden Bears play football tomorrow pic.twitter.com/XqDVxJnrrU

— CalCentel (@TheCalCentel) September 19, 2026

oski & the 3 stooges go to the trap house (what could possibly go wrong??)!!#

Some things can’t be erased by a scoreboard. I bleed this shit and it brings a tear to my eye that it’s something I can share with my daughter for life. Tonight was painful but only because i really do care. Roll on you magnificent Bears. Bay Area till they put me in the dirt. pic.twitter.com/yiOT3BS2Hc

— Girl Father (@TIMBO_SL1CE) October 6, 2024

this is a prime example (kinda like albert & his daughter with oski last saturday) of great parenting (the MAGIC of cal football should be shared with those that u love!!)#
^ do u got ur family tixs for this friday nite at 7:30 pm at an ELECTRIC memorial stadium??

real talk: our kids will never remember who won or lost but they will remember how we made them feel!!

https://instagr.am/p/DcXwRU9h1KL

fake football player on campus 🏫

be there at 12:30pm tomorrow vs Wagner! pic.twitter.com/tUkZwhnr6b

— The Bench (@TheBenchCal) September 18, 2026

coach tinker making MOVES with special teams!!#

Cal LB Kamar Mothudi on preparing his body for Friday's game vs. Clemson and his love for yoga:

"... We finish Wagner ... treat (Sunday) like a Monday, in terms of recovering ... I'm really into yoga, so I try to do my yoga every night ... I watch a little bit of extra film ..."

— Joaquin Ruiz (@WalkingRuiz) September 22, 2026

kamar, AWESOME to hear u got a yoga/meditation practice, do urself a solid & find a studio with cbyf1s (watching just videos no es bueno)

Kamar Mothudi on navigating a short week against Clemson

“I try to keep everything the same. Try to treat Sunday as Monday. In terms of recovering, I’m really into yoga so I try to do that every night. Watch extra film.” pic.twitter.com/GPeBJIfTxL

— Thomas Dunn (@Thomasdunn24) September 22, 2026

yeah there's some additional benefits of a yoga practice that u may not have considered, u feel me brah??

https://instagr.am/p/DB1zlB-yXK0
---------------------------------------------------------------------------

reprint from cal's monster class back in the day:

Quote:

---

show up at the hostess stand at my daughter tayor's favorite restaurant nobu malibu very late this evening without a reservation

shocky: good evening, we'd like a table on the patio overlooking the ocean please

curvy brunette yoga hostess: i'm sorry sir, we're fully committed this evening...would you like me to put you on the waiting list for the sushi bar, there are unfortunately no guarantees that any seats will open up tonite

shocky: did you know that i'm a california golden bear?

curvy brunette yoga hostess: really?

shocky (posting up with a headstand directly in front of the hostess stand with my giuseppe zanotti kicks in the air): roarrrrrrrrrr!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

polite applause/clapping from the 3 hostesses & maybe a few strange looks from the bar

curvy brunette yoga hostess (flipping her hair): i have a yoga practice too

shocky: tell me something i don't already know

curvy brunette yoga hostess (to a male server): please seat them at table 7 on the patio now

dirty looks at the shockster from those who've been told there are no tables available now

shocky: dom arigato

curvy brunette yoga hostess: namaste

---

https://instagr.am/p/DZpt2aIDgu2
^ nobu malibu's japanese a5 waygu (market price: 50 bucks an ounce, not to be confused with decidedly inferior american a5 waygu) served on a sizzling 10,000 degree hot rock is the most delicious beef served in the united states of america!!

2026 president's cup: kat & collin morikawa in the windy city

https://instagr.am/p/Ddh79JiMQ40
2026 french open: michael kim is the defending champion!!

Mic'd up with the defending champ! 🎙️

An inside look at how @Mike_kim714 takes on Le Golf National's ninth hole.#FedExOpenDeFrance pic.twitter.com/KhCWWXi1nn

— DP World Tour (@DPWorldTour) September 23, 2026

cali bears playing on the game's biggest stages!!#

https://instagr.am/p/Ddk1LPNMYp9

Shocky1 said:

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https://instagr.am/p/DdfP884vVFc
^ val's ponytail is 3 zip codes past EPIC this season!!

california golden bears 49
wagner seahawks 7

wide receiver blocking: after a decade plus of candy azz soft blocking by the bad news bears wideouts (which contributed to zero of them getting drafted by the violent nfl) coach ike's nfl mentality is starting to show up in the perimeter blocking...the 1st play of the game wuz a stacked 4 wideout formation which had numbers against 3 seahawk defenders...and ian strong delivered a say goodnight knockout alpha predator BLOCK which for the monster wuz the highlife moment of the game (somewhere in new york nyan boateng is smiling)!!

80-YARDS TO THE CRIB 🐻@KyiongrayesII takes the rock to the endzone for his first touchdown as a Bear.

📺 @accnetwork #GoBears pic.twitter.com/FEJseeHBDp

— Cal Football (@CalFootball) September 19, 2026

^ a healthy kyion grayes got world class SPEED, he is a gamebreaker!!

---

Tosh Lupoi on his understanding of the offense and what he wants to see going forward

“From our offensive standpoint, our perimeter blocking was not up to standard after the first two weeks. [Last week], the way Ian Strong and Mason Mini blocked, that was inspiring. To see… pic.twitter.com/ltaiMuXTaS

— Thomas Dunn (@Thomasdunn24) September 22, 2026

Shocky1 said:

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.@uclatheden is loving it 🗣️ pic.twitter.com/QL7Nl9IYCw

— UCLA Football (@UCLAFootball) September 20, 2026

^ massive UPTICK in ucla student attendance at the rose bowl with this week's inclusive announcement that all westwood students now got FREE tixs to all football & hoops games!!...meanwhile in berkeley the marketing "gurus" will tell u that the student section wuz SOLD OUT despite 40,000+ EMPTY seats today at memorial stadium while berkeley's innovative chancellor just looks the other way (if that makes sense to u plz explain)

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ucla student attendance last saturday nite at the rose bowl with FREE tixs for ALL students wuz 13,000!!

contrast that to the "SOLD OUT" cal student combo passes which total 8,000

and now the dumb azzs are gonna offer FREE tixs to non profits (which is GREAT) but once again overlooking the 10,000s of thousands berkeley students that don't got rich parents (like lyons, my tiny berkeley grad tigers moms didn't have that kinda financial support) to buy them the student combo pass

yeah if u tole the monster that the unreal clowns marketing the cal football & hoops programs wuz all coked up he would believe in u

https://instagr.am/p/DcJEBHTMphV

https://instagr.am/p/DdoeG_RkSlG
what do u call a plane full of dehydrated queasy stomach with level 7 panic attacks low gpa dumb azzs dressed in orange and purple clownsuits flying across the country for the 1st time (born & raised in the deep south) for 5 hours with team issued vomit bags & only 4 undersized lavatories for explosive bowel movements??

answer: the clemson tigers football program!!

2026 president's cup: collin may not always listen to shocky about bringing in wise as **** caddie mark urbanek for 2nd opinion greens reading but will morikawa be bringing in his prez cup partner north scottsdale's wyndham clark (which is customary in these team events) for reads??...this is gonna be very interesting to see how this plays out!!

https://instagr.am/p/DdnDNU6jeHw
2026 french open: michael kim (good to know he owns a pair of shorts) est magnifique!!

On the tee with defending Champion @Mike_kim714 🤩#FedExOpenDeFrance pic.twitter.com/05cKBLzdpv

— DP World Tour (@DPWorldTour) September 23, 2026

^ fun architecture conversation: during shocky's 36 holes 25 kilometers walking (as a gallery of 1) with future superstar callixte alzas (who rode in a golf cart due to the gila river 100%+ temperatures) in his collegiate debut the shockster & very likable callixte had a chat re: great golf courses...the young parisian thinks that this week's dp tour venue le golf national is france's best golf course (it's not even in my france top 10) while shocks tole him that his beloved golf de morfontaine (which is somehow the most romantic golf course on planet earth) is the greatest course not only in his home country but also continental europe to which callixte responded that it's too short (a shade under 6100 meters/6700 yards from the tips)

https://instagr.am/p/DEjQ6rWRohR
bears hole in one club: in case you haven't figured it out yet noah "ace" eisen, spartans golf head coach/haas biz ad school grad walter chun, my basketball hoops brah/cal's all time greatest 3 point shooter theo robertson, dls freshman team head coach lad, cal defensive coordinator michael hutchings & future starting defensive tackle nemyah telona & kicker spencer brien all know (there is only 1 stubborn azz hold out) that berkeley is the #1 ranked public university in the WORLD!!

https://instagr.am/p/DdnPDC8sYhV

The first injury report has been released for Cal vs Clemson on Friday night

OLB Justin Beadles looks set to debut on Friday night for the Bears

Clemson's starting nickel Corian Gipson is questionable pic.twitter.com/enPzdgemsW

— Thomas Dunn (@Thomasdunn24) September 23, 2026

^ clemson gotta lotta broken down sorry azz injured tigers (are these guys eating frosted flakes & strawberry pop tarts for breakfast every morning??)!!

hutch, let's send the VIOLENT predators of war disguised BLITZ packages starting from the jump on the clemson's 1st offensive series & 100% **** up the inexperienced freshman qb1 tait anderson sending him to alta bates, then let's find out if the tiger's qb2 christopher vizzina (had fluid drained from his elbow last tuesday) is really "probable" or not, got it??

if the cal d braintrust tries the same vanilla bend don't break scheme that they did against ucla (which resulted in 45 bruins points), the bears will 100% lose this ******* acc battle with a national audience

nah Israel Adesanya out of pocket for this 💀 pic.twitter.com/9HqkBXHiyW

— LakeShowYo (@LakeShowYo) April 9, 2023

^ shocky after knocking out 25+ consecutive headstand stomach crunches at modern yoga!!

Why are Special Teams so poor? We have a dedicated Coach. We spent all Spring/Fall installing systems + selecting personnel groups. The results are maddening penalties, turnovers, missed field goals + severe anxiety...

DWM81 said:

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Why are Special Teams so poor? We have a dedicated Coach. We spent all Spring/Fall installing systems + selecting personnel groups. The results are maddening penalties, turnovers, missed field goals + severe anxiety...

---

Has not cost us a game (yet) but when it does there will be a job opening on staff

Shocky1 said:

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Movin’ to The Bay #committed @CalFootball pic.twitter.com/QDwqRQlZVa

— Angus Davies (@angusdavies11) January 16, 2026

KABBBOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMM(see ya ball)!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

it's official, cleared by berkeley admissions & a signed nil deal, tulsa transfer bigfoot angus davies from torquay australia (a surfing town south of melbourne) is gonna be the california golden bears punter moving forward into the much anticipated 2026 football season this fall!!



davies is 6'1" 205 lbs & kicks the living **** outta the ball with unreal leg extension ala ray guy!!

ANGUS DAVIES WITH AN 80 YARD PUNT#PMSFirst15 #PMSLive https://t.co/mFuuwookqc pic.twitter.com/gsY17Shi3r

— Pat McAfee (@PatMcAfeeShow) September 1, 2025

angus is NOT a dumb azz, down under they don't got no american gpa kinda system but the former hurricane (wut a dumb azz name, why not just call them the tornadoes??) has made multiple all conference & district academic teams during his time in tulsa (basically davies is a 4.0 gpa equivalent student, got it??)


^ editor's note: this is angus's favorite song (not shocky's deal as he's not on prozac for his untreated ocd issues)

the university of california, berkeley=#1 ranked public university in the world (including the spectacular mornington peninsula, the monterrey peninsula of oz)

---

https://instagr.am/p/Db4Qo8AmVlt
darnold & strykur, the special teams STANDOUT thru 3 games has been australian angus davies with good hang time & a solid 42.6 yards per punt average!!

since the football game isn't until friday nite there's an unconfirmed report that the low handicap angus (who will someday be the club champion at the wonderful st andrews beach on the mp) will be competing with the men's golf team tomorrow in the coed big match with stanford at menlo, wowza!!

https://instagr.am/p/Ddpws5Luyur
fun fact: the clemson punter is last in the acc in average yards per punt but kicks non returnable moonballs

fun fact deux: the clemson plane finally landed after a lotta unchecked explosive vomiting & bowel movements but now that the tigers (who will practicing at diablo valley college) are here 35 of the 44 players on their 2 deep have indicated that the fantastic year round nor cal weather & spectacular beauty is unreal compared to their ****hole truck stop town in the deep south and have indicated they would like to enter the transfer portal at it's next opening but have been counseled tonite by dabo & the staff that they don't got high enuf gpas for admission into berkeley or stanford (apparently 2 unnamed white offensive linemen started crying when tole this exclaiming "****me, i don't wanna be working at the waffle house for 20 bucks an hour when i'm age 30")!!