Jaydn Ott next year in the ACC pic.twitter.com/rg7DnJY0II

— Dallas (@Dalmcm) December 15, 2023

the heisman at my alma mater (**** balenciaga)#

2023 & 2024 california golden bears yucky blucky fruitcake classes (mr spieker not amused cuz he got worser seats):

doechii, why don't you introduce the 2023 & 2024 yucky blucky fruitcakes to the class?

2024 class:
aidan ikaika keanaaina, defensive tackle (4.0 gpa)
aiden newbill, offensive line (3.72 gpa)
isaiah crosby, safety (3.0+ gpa)
luke ferrelli, inside linebacker (4.0 gpa)
chandler rogers, quarterback (3.3 gpa)
teddye buchanan, inside linebacker (3.5 gpa)
josiah martin, wide receiver (3.5 gpa)
jack endries, tight end (3.83 gpa)
trond grizzell, wide receiver (3.8 gpa)
bj canady, defensive tackle (3.91 gpa)
legend journey, apex predator edge defender (3.3 gpa)
rashawn clark, defensive back (3.0+ gpa)
ej caminong, quarterback (3.5 gpa)
dayton "dayday" aupiu (3.51 gpa)
jamaal wiley, running back (3.0+ gpa)
trevor rogers, wide receiver (3.5 gpa)
michael-anthony okwura, defensive lineman (3.4 gpa)
eze osondu, inside linebacker (3.0+ gpa)
brookyln cheek, defensive back (3.0+ gpa)
camden jones, tight end (3.0+ gpa)
tyler knape, offensive line (3.8 gpa)

2023 class:
barrett miller, offensive lineman (4.2 hs gpa & stanford mechancial engineering degree)
taj davis, wide receiver (3.2 gpa)
king doerue, running back (3.5 gpa)
isaiah ifanse, running back (3.2 gpa at montana state)
marcus scott ii, cornerback (3.3 gpa at missouri)
tidiane "frenchy" jalloh (motivated student from france)
matthew wykoff, offensive tackle (3.75 gpa)
marquez "mojo" dortch, wide receiver (3.0+ gpa)
ben finley, quarterback (4.308 gpa)
patrick mcmorris, safety (3.65 gpa)
david bird, longsnapper (4.0 gpa)
marquise montgomery, wide receiver (3.0+ gpa)
martin tine, offensive tackle (3.0+ gpa)
stanley mckenzie, nose tackle (3.3 gpa)
david reese, outside linebacker (3.7 gpa)
sam jackson v, quarterback (3.0+ gpa)
brian hightower, wide receiver (3.2 gpa)
justin williams-thomas aka j-will, running back (4.0 gpa)
asher alberding, tight end (3.85 gpa)
jt byrne, tight end (3.75 gpa)
lachlan wilson, punter (strong student from australia)
byron caldwell, running back (3.3 gpa)
sergio allen, inside linebacker (3.4 gpa)
matt littlejohn, defensive back (3.0+ gpa)
javian "the jet" thomas, running back (3.4 gpa)
nohl williams, defensive back (3.61 gpa)
kaylin moore, defensive back (3.4 gpa)
frederick williams iii, athlete (3.6 gpa)
zurich ashford, defensive end (3.62 gpa)
ben marshall, tight end (3.4 gpa)
ryan mcculloch, outside linebacker (4.1 gpa)
tiumalu afalava, defensive line (4.1 gpa)
cade uluave, inside linebacker (3.8 gpa)
sailasa vadrawale, defensive back (3.46 gpa)
nyziah hunter, wide receiver (3.0+ gpa)
nick morrow, offensive tackle (3.7 gpa)
michael luckhurst, kicker (4.37 gpa)

all 37 of these 2023 & 21 2024 scholly recipients are beating the statistics, **** the opinions and all the logisitics



wow, that was quite the introduction, doechii, we're gonna have to talk after class

the university of california, berkeley=#1 ranked public university in the world

don't forget to take the chicken out#

https://instagr.am/p/C0Pe1kVMcdl

4000 fans filled Haas for the Annual School Haas Rock game, and the Bears did not disappoint...

The HAAS WAS ON FIRE

Bear Territory was (School Haas) Rockin’ 🤩

We had a blast welcoming our young Golden Bear fans to Haas Pavilion and sending them home with a W!#GoBears pic.twitter.com/UrbHoZaAgE

— Cal Athletics (@CalAthletics) December 16, 2023

last season offensive lineman spencer lovell is the kansas back up left guard heading into the jayhawks bowl game

non hard working former bear jackson brown wuz the back up left tackle this season for 3-9 pittsburgh

asu grad transfer ben coleman missed the entire 2023 season with a serious lower body injury but is expected to compete for playing time at left guard in tempe in 2024

scholly roster math update: right now there are 21 scholly PUBLIC departures and 21 scholly additions for the 2024 season in the atlantic coast conference

are monsters good at math?

not unless you count dracula

shut the **** up, shocky#

https://instagr.am/p/C05Yw3gtqAK


wheels up to shreveport (one more time in 2023)#

Shocky1 said:

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Shocky1 said:

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Had a great time today at Cal Berkeley. Thank you for the tremendous hospitality. @CalFootball @CalBears247 @BrandonHuffman @Malik_McMorris @CoachSirmon @CoachATaylor3 @DCFBCAL pic.twitter.com/srAlIyCcMe

— Aaron Hampton 3⭐️ (@Aaron_Hampton10) December 12, 2023

cal's monster class recruiting update:

the 2024 best football player from the beautiful state of alaska & recent oregon state decommit 6'1" 190 lbs +1 athlete aaron hampton just took an official visit to cal

Blessed to be named

-First Team All Conference WR
-First Team All State WR
-Most Versatile Player Of The Year
And nominated Gatorade player of the year.@WAHSFootball @Timbothy_Davis @BrandonHuffman @BeaverBullpen @BeavRecruiting pic.twitter.com/k4WgADvz4Y

— Aaron Hampton 3⭐️ (@Aaron_Hampton10) November 11, 2023

aaron is not a dumb azz, he got a 3.4 gpa at anchorage high school whose school cheer talks about frozen igloos or something

West Anchorage's @Aaron_Hampton10 is a straight baller on both sides of the ball.

The 2024 Oregon State commit helped the Eagles win their first state title since 2015. pic.twitter.com/xS7DvfIB0z

— Zack Poff (@Zack_Poff_MP) November 9, 2023

the university of califonia, berkeley=#1 ranked public university in the world (including alyeska, the last frontier)
https://www.forbes.com/top-colleges/

---

Home🧸🧸@BrandonHuffman @CoachSirmon @CalBears247 @CalRivals pic.twitter.com/yeef0zLwVB

— Aaron Hampton 3⭐️ (@Aaron_Hampton10) December 15, 2023

KABOOM

preferred walk on#



cal's monster class (includes the beautiful people & state of alyeska)#

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Did Aaron commit to us?

^ hollywood, yes he did, hampton is the best player in alaska & the former oregon state commit is likely to earn a cal scholly sooner than later with his physical style of player as a pwo next season in berkeley

plus aaron knows all the best places in anchorage to dine on alaskan salmon which is only rivaled in my self esteemed culinary opinion by scottish salmon...yeah shocky loves the windy as **** barrier islands in western scotland

pretty sure buc-ee's don't got no salmon but who knows?

https://instagr.am/p/CuxKIOEIazx

Shocky1 said:

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Shocky1 said:

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Bears are Independence Bowl-bound ⭐️

🆚 Texas Tech
📅 December 16
⏱ 6:15 PT
📺 @espn #GoBears pic.twitter.com/Cl5KEfB7O9

— Cal Football (@CalFootball) December 3, 2023

cal's monster class social event of the year:

shocky will be hosting a FREE as **** brunch at the buc-ee's somewhere half way between dallas & shreveport on saturday january 16th...there will not be a dress code for this FUN event, fashion nova or animal clothing is just fine for this probable epic tailgate party

https://instagr.am/p/CKaJAo6pnyF
but if u wanna dress up for cal's bowl game monster holiday brunch at buc-ee's that's fine too

https://instagr.am/p/C0Zpwz9ui1m
curvy brunette yoga females (that are not related to me) will be given preference in the buffet line & a gas card or maybe something practical like a bottle of lumify or a pony tail hair ribbon



tv fans (u know, people who don't seek adventure in life) r encouraged to break their candy azz soft patterns of sitting on their expanding broken down sorry azzs like sofa kings eating glazed donuts with fuschia sprinkles & pounding down pabst malt liquor beer cans while watching cal football thousands of miles away further afar from the epicenter of the universe which for december 16th is gonna be shreveport louisiana

but make no ******* mistake about it, if the bears win then shocky is gonna STORM THE FIELD regardless of the consequences (pro tip: bringing some extra bail money is always a smart move in the deep south including but not limited to auburn for visiting berkeley hippies)

the monster requests ur presence

the time is now (for everything)#

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FREE gameday brunch at buc-ee's update: the texas tech dance, cheer & spirit teams including the raiders very fast black stallion horsey have all rsvp'd in the affirmative to the shocky sponsored social event of the year

make sure u sign up today, space is NOT limited!

https://instagr.am/p/CxA9uNjOoqs
texas tech university=#159 ranked school on planet earth
https://www.forbes.com/top-colleges/

---

IMPORTANT REMINDER: the shocky hosted FREE buc-ee's buffet for all cal & texas tech fans & spirit groups is today!

Beware of the raider rash - https://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Raider%20Rash

Per On3 Cal slightly leading for SDSU OT Azzopardi, ucla also in contention. Were trailing Oregon state for Rush Reimer transfer from Montana State.

https://instagr.am/p/C0wp83JMeH0
cal's monster class premium analysis of the 2023 independence bowl:

important note: the cost to read this post is 5 bucks, plz leave this payment in an unmarked envelope addressed to shocky at the 3rd exit on treasure island off the bay bridge behind the dumpster, ok?

offense: the bears are healthy, nando aka tom brady jr is improving in working thru his audible diagnostics & downfield progressions (which is gonna be important against tim deruyter's dogs of war heavily disguised blitzing packages) & cal's monster offensive line is ready to pound for ground...reality is that coach bloesch & coach plough have been calling the plays for a while, the loss of spav is no big deal...as shared here multiple times future nfl hall of fame defensive coordinator mastermind marv lewis tole me last offseason that "cal is the easiest team in the pac 12 to gameplan against" because we didn't attack the middle 3rd of the field in the downfield vertical passing attack, we're now significantly better at that which has allowed future acc 1st team tight end jack endries to blossom along with wide open slants/post patterns by the wideouts...hopefully coach bloesch will dial up a couple of pitchouts (preferably to the wide side of the field) for my poly brah & legit 2024 heisman candidate jaydn ott to make plays & magic in space...be still my beating heart

defense: with the transformational surgence (is that a real word?) of david reese & higher energy more rabid relentless pursuit by the x-man as a violent tandem of apex predator edge defenders, the biggest weakness on the cal defense is now the slow footspeed of the bears safeties who wuz bad this season in passing coverage with their non responsive closing speeds...but the good news is that both safeties are strong tacklers & the raiders gameplan is gonna be pound the ball with their beastmode taj brooks who is the best dangerous running back the bears are gonna face this season...fully expect coach sirmon to dial up a more aggressive gameplan with sometimes 8 in the box & cade uluave stunting between the gaps for big plays...2 of the 4 texas tech leading wideouts are in the transfer portal, downfield passing might be a struggle for them

special teams: mateen has been ice in his veins nails this season, consultant ryan longwell's current plan to bring in his guy (a guy who isn't even in the portal yet & missed all of his field goals this season) is just a dumb azz move when the 2024 scholly kicker is already in berkeley...punter lachlan wilson is coming on strong late in the season after a mid season slump & 4.0 gpa longsnapper david bird is money as a gene simmons lookalike at parties...the return of team leader ifanse to the running back room is critical because his taking some of the rushing snaps means that jaydn ott will be returning kickoffs tonite ala the ucla game when he took it to the house, yeah everytime jaydn touches the ball that's the magic of cal football

https://instagr.am/p/CMpoNB9Jjt5
note to self: next time u try to host a FREE gameday buffet at buc-ee's it might be a good idea to indicate wut time the event will start & also specify the location (the one in terrell, texas), who knew?...look shocky is no wedding planner or something

anyways the chicken fajita burrito wuz only all right not great but the chocolate fudge slab wuz ghirardelli good...it should also be pointed that gasoline in the great state of texas is only $2.39 per galloon

fun fact: buc-ee's don't got no internet service, in asking the friendly sales associate at the counter she tole me it's cuz management don't want the employees on their phones...asked how this works for employees that got children in emergency situations & apparently there's a super secret number that schools can call that will then communicate to the parent's store that little jimmy just shot up a 7/11 & is now wanted in 2 states & can't move wrong

highlight of the drive so far (other than mooing at all the cows on the farms) between dallas & shreveport is seeing the signs at exit 503 for trinity valley community college...made a quick right turn off i-20 & asked where's isaiah crosby?...everyone tole me he's downtown driving all the cowgirls crazy, man i just fell about the place

the monster's excellent (solo) adventure#

DurantAve said:

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Beware of the raider rash - https://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Raider%20Rash

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durant, if u tole me u wuz the executive director for communicable diseases in ibiza, i would believe in u

DurantAve said:

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Per On3 Cal slightly leading for SDSU OT Azzopardi, ucla also in contention. Were trailing Oregon state for Rush Reimer transfer from Montana State.

---

durant, don't believe all the **** u read, reimer is gonna take an official visit to cal that starts tomorrow after his minutes ago graduation ceremony from montana state...rush's #1 priority in selecting a school is living in the limelight, it's his universal dream, he wants real relations & that's the underlying theme or something

note to rush: congrats on the diploma, the monster is NOT praying on ur downfall...wut?

https://instagr.am/p/C07RtbtgeVE
rush's 1st day out (on 10 paws he stood tall like beauty, stella, benji, mugsy, misty mae & minko stinko)#

Ready to put the final stamp on our season 😤#GoBears x @IndyBowl pic.twitter.com/CLlfOcCW0J

— Cal Football (@CalFootball) December 16, 2023

the magic of cal football (do u got ur season tixs for the 2024 acc debut with jaydn "hold the pose" ott?)#

haha, ucla gonna start schlee the flea tonite vs the boise state sound systems tonite

It’s a Great Day to be a Golden Bear 🐻 Let’s Go! #GoBears @ProStarSports @SixZeroAcademy pic.twitter.com/owtsqSeSDm

— AIDAN IKAIKA KEANAAINA (@AidanAkfootball) December 16, 2023

all polynesian islands are bear territory (for those pursuing a masters in public health)#

durant, cal is NOT actively involved with azzopardi

Dr.Shocky who is Cal involved with in the OT portal?

oskisgirlfriendisadime, right now coach bloesch got 15 scholly linemen with 5 probable departures (brian driscoll just set his instagram setting to private) with 2 texas high school stars commitments from 3.8 gpa tyler knape & 3.72 gpa aiden newbill with 3.5 gpa kalolo ta'age announcing his decision tomorrow nite

as for portal transfers, #1 on the board is montana state's potential impact starter rush reimer who will be visiting cal tomorrow for an official visit with his intent to make a final decision next week, rush has also tripped to texas tech & boise state

would also keep an eye on several north texas trench workers that are in the portal whose skillsets & work ethics are known to coach bloesch...the staff has also kicked tires with a couple of the san diego state transfers but not overly optimistic on any of them at this time

cal's monster offensive line (will be center stage tonite in the bayou)#

Thanks, be safe tonite shockster!

Here is the updated Damien Martinez story with details from Benton County DA. 3 charges were filed, two Class Bs and one Class A.https://t.co/Gz5pT0ED0V

— Nick Daschel (@nickdaschel) December 15, 2023

why the **** are the bears playing the beavs in 2024 dept?

elite oregon state running back is gonna play in the sun bowl against notre dame

if the beavers can close on one of their elite qb portal prospects such as texas transfer maalik murphy, idadho's gevani mccoy or marshall's cam fancher then the september 28th 2024 battle could be close to a 50/50 game against a program that will be fired up to play a former pac 12 rival from a state that has ZERO scholly california golden bears...there are no good reasons to play oregon state, got it?

stupid people make stupid decisions (revenge of the con artist)#

Shocky1 said:

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do headstands pregame with the en fuego high as **** gpa texas tech dance team (2nd from the left tells me she wanna touch my azz or something) & learn the raiders fight song, storm the field after the bears bowl game victory & do 50 stomach crunch headstands at midfield while interrupting coach wilcox's postgame interview with espn while screaming cal's monster offensive line over and over, get arrested/handcuffed on the independence bowl logo at midnite by shreveport police for unlawful disturbance of a public event as specified in the deep south penal code, narrowly escape thru the ventilation system with the assistance of a lifer named jimmy, get a tattoo in a smoky backroom of a riverboat casino from a flirty curvy brunette yoga female artist on my lower left butt cheek of a t-rex & take the all nite greyhound back to north scottsdale




things to do in shreveport#

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https://instagr.am/p/CwnUg7LoURw
shocky on the ground in shreveport update:

ok, let's be real here, the riverboat casinos in shreveport are not gonna confuse the monster with his stays at the hotel de paris in monte-carlo on the french riviera, ok?

shreveport is a spunky kinda weathered riverfront town that's frayed on the edges, everybody is super friendly as the independence bowl is a big deal here...in terms of deep south gambling destinations biloxi is much more polished than shreveport

the weather is crisp with no rain or heavy winds in the forecast, just a beautiful evening in louisiana that will not affect the outcome of tonite's battle between cal & texas tech

the stadium is on the state's fairgrounds and right by the i-20 which is a straight shot back to dallas, it's location is reminiscent of bay meadows or something...gotta be honest with you, when driving in my rental on the highway looked over & saw the cal football equipment super transport vehicle parked by the stadium's perimeter fence, gave me ******* chills (that's how u know if u bleed blue & gold or not)

there are a lot more raiders fans than bears fans down here on the riverfront, many of them look like they've been drinking heavily for a week & never been to a yoga/meditation class

a lotta of the tech coeds got big hair & low gpas, that's a LETHAL combination

yeah it's gonna be a perfect setting to storm the field at around midnite local time in the deep south if the bears prevail in tonite's 2023 independence bowl

go bares#

Shocky1 said:

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CAL's MONSTER CLASS LEGAL DOCUMENTS XV:

look tried to get some affordable document preparation from my daughter shay who is in her 2nd year at denver law but she tole me "i've got finals and don't have time for your usual stupid ****" before hanging up on me...she a disloyal rangefinder

so then tried to call driscoll for legal contractual help but he's hopefully not even gonna enter law school until 2025

anyways that forced my hand to hire esteemed governmental water rights attorney wifeisafraud to handle these documents who is licensed in 17 states including louisiana and ibiza
_____________________________________________________________

I, William Sherlock Schulz aka Shocky with known aliases as Dumb Azz and Yoga Boy of unsound mind but 32 oz green juice infused fit as **** body hereby swear (too much) to the following:

Cal's Director of Player Personnel Marshall Cherrington is NOT abading and abiding any of my future plans to storm or not storm the Independence Bowl field by providing advance footage of gameday operations.

It is duly noted that Cal's current worthless Athletic Director James Arthur Knowlton has authorized the Independence Bowl operators and the Shreveport Police Department to use LETHAL force if I try to disrupt the 2023 Independence Bowl by using devious methods to ingress the field of play at any point during an epic celebration that is only intended for players, coaches and staff members and NOT volunteer substitute yoga teachers. Furthermore Knowlton is waiving any autopsy of my body and is directing it to be fed to hungry azz alligators in a swampy Deep South bayou as outlined in Greg Iles novels.

This agreement does not preclude my legal right to make further comments of the gross incompetence and mismanagement of kickers by Cal's Special Teams Consultant Ryan Longwell.

And so with that being said it is 100% understood that the "Monster" is wanted in 2 states and can't move wrong but also that on 10 paws he stood tall.

Notarized at the Bally's Shreveport Riverboat Casino on December 12, 2024.

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if this is the end, let's not pretend

50 year decision (could result in my remains at the bottom of a louisiana bayou)#

https://instagr.am/p/C045reMuJcA

O-line, to date much improved over last season, didn't do much this evening in Shreveport. We need a talent upgrade.

Big disappointment, have a good sleep, maybe a 32 oz hurricane may help. LOL

Big C said:

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O-line, to date much improved over last season, didn't do much this evening in Shreveport. We need a talent upgrade.

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That was a F-ing disaster last night.

https://instagr.am/p/C04W9LjMGy2


wut happens in shreveport stays in shreveport (yesterday is not leaking thru the roof)#

^ oskisgfisa****, ur half rite

fire james arthur knowlton

fire ryan longwell