cal's monster offensive line

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calumnus
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In reply to Shocky1 • 7:57p, 12/1/25
Shocky1 said:
desean jackson wuz NOT one of the 14 candidates

cal's expired tv "fans" don't know **** (mazel tov)#

Who was on the original list of 14? Anybody that was hired elsewhere?

Definitely sounds like Tosh has been picked. If so we finally have Cal grads in charge: Lyons-Rivera-Lupoi
Exciting times. Go Bears!
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bluehenbear
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8:14p, 12/1/25
https://bsky.app/profile/edsbs.bsky.social/post/3m6xxfs4zvc2r
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Big C
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In reply to Shocky1 • 8:51p, 12/1/25
Shocky1 said:
desean jackson wuz NOT one of the 14 candidates

cal's expired tv "fans" don't know **** (mazel tov)#

The three candidates we know were on the List of Fourteen are Tosh, Rolo and Harsin (the latter probably a courtesy).

Who were the other eleven? Take care of your readers/fans, Shocky!
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In reply to Shocky1 • 9:57p, 12/1/25
Shocky1 said:

cal's monster class OFFICIAL list of the 14 finalists for the head coaching position:

1) vince lombardi
2) sean lewis
3) nick rolovich (honorary berkeley grad)
4) troy taylor (berkeley grad)
5) tom landry
6) james arthur knowlton
7) brent brennan
8) dominique arcienga (berkeley grad)
9) bill walsh
10) ryan longwell (berkeley grad)
11) trevor the equipment guy
12) bryan harsin
13) consortium of cal tv "fans" (will not actually attend games in person)
14) tosh lupoi (berkeley grad)

ron & the committee are completing a thorough and exhaustive vetting of all 14 equally qualified candidates & a FINAL decision is expected no later than the 2nd week in february (if the entire 2026 high school class decommits by december 3rd that's just the cost of doing biz in berkeley)!!

to facilitate monetary sports book wagering re: this exciting & rigorous evaluation process, please go to the newly incorporated MONSTERLOSEURAZZ.COM to place ur bets for ur favorite candidate(s) vs the house odds of only 7% for tosh lupoi, got it??

plz note all bets are considered final and absolutely no refunds will be issued (all appeals arguing the legal doctrines of imminent domain or inverse condensation will be straight up rejected)

can't wait to see how this all plays out!!



BET NOW AND OFTEN!!#

haha, big c it wuz always FAKE NEWS that there wuz 14 candidates but it did drive revenue wagering for MONSTERLOSEURAZZ.COM!!

ron fired justin sunday afternoon & tosh took a private cessna to meet with ron arriving at 7:00 pm tuesday evening
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PAC-10-BEAR
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10:46p, 12/1/25

BE--AT--CAL

CALGANG
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Shocky1
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In reply to bluehenbear • 10:49p, 12/1/25
bluehenbear said:
https://bsky.app/profile/edsbs.bsky.social/post/3m6xxfs4zvc2r


look bluehen, yeah lane kiffin has had an eventful week getting his **** kicked to the curb sec style but at least he gotta yoga/meditation practice unlike the tense shallow breathing cal men's golf team which got 8 guys who look like they gonna stroke out or something from hypertension every time they tee it up






the world according to shocky (chill the **** out brahs)#
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In reply to Shocky1 • 11:29p, 12/1/25
Shocky1 said:

2026 3.5 gpa 6'1" 180 lbs defensive back with length cammeron "camm" purnell from lincoln high school (san diego)#

the university of california, berkeley=#1 ranked public university in the world (for TAKERS that earn berkeley degrees & get PAID in the national football league)



DEVELOPMENT as a player & a young man takes place in berkeley#
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82gradDLSdad
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In reply to Shocky1 • 6:19a, 12/2/25
Shocky1 said:
desean jackson wuz NOT one of the 14 candidates

cal's expired tv "fans" don't know **** (mazel tov)#


I've gone to every home game the last two years and many years before. I didn't know. The horse has been beaten. It's dead. Let's give it a nice funeral.
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Shocky1
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7:37a, 12/2/25


^ fun fact: the cal logo on michael's bag is new this year!!

cal's monster class is not only the godfather of calgorithim but it's also modeled for the bears professional golfers (and maybe a couple of nba/nfl superstars) the freedom of expression to grow their brands worldwide with FUN content without a ******* filter (most of the time)
________________________________________________

the following is a reprint of a monster post from back in the day:

show up at the hostess stand at nobu malibu very late this evening without a reservation

shocky: good evening, we'd like a table on the patio overlooking the ocean please

curvy brunette yoga hostess: i'm sorry sir, we're fully committed this evening...would you like me to put you on the waiting list for the sushi bar, there are unfortunately no guarantees that any seats will open up tonite

shocky: did you know that i'm a california golden bear??

curvy brunette yoga hostess: really??

shocky (posting up with a headstand directly in front of the hostess stand with my giuseppe zanotti kicks in the air): roarrrrrrrrrr!!

polite applause/clapping from the 3 hostesses & maybe a few strange looks from the bar

curvy brunette yoga hostess (flipping her hair): i have a yoga practice too

shocky: tell me something i don't already know

curvy brunette yoga hostess (to a male server): please seat them at table 7 on the patio now

dirty looks at the shockster from those who've been told there are no tables available now

shocky: dom arigato

curvy brunette yoga hostess: namaste



https://instagr.am/p/DRv6VKvDxUj
dang, woof woof woof, i cry#
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4:29p, 12/2/25



the humble FAITH based 3.75 gpa lefty from ewa beach (the early enrollee is gonna earn his berkeley degree in 3+ years!!)#
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4:36p, 12/2/25

yawn, shocky reported this 30+ days ago#
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oskiswifeshusband
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4:41p, 12/2/25
Rolo OC Shocky?
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Shocky1
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In reply to Shocky1 • 5:17p, 12/2/25
Shocky1 said:
cal football head coach announcement update:

the big delay is due to ron being flummoxed tryna give rolo a title that makes him happy, the current working agreed upon job description is tentatively "Associate Head Coach/QB Guru/Mauna Kea King of Volcanoes & Director of Driving Range Services at Indian Valley" or some stupid **** like that

https://instagr.am/p/DE6L5ztpIto

oskisgflikesreversecowgirl, rolo's title still needs to be figured out by tosh & ron which will be impacted by bryan harsin's future plans

fun fact: the indian valley driving range is literally straight up a mountainside & u pay with golden tokens u get at the pro shop...only a dumb azz after walking 18 holes there would NOT order the beef tofu with onions & a couple of pork dumplings along with a cup of west lake beef soup at nearby china palace and talk cal football with jerry goff (an avid reader of cal's monster class)
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Shocky1
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In reply to Shocky1 • 6:29p, 12/2/25
Shocky1 said:
Shocky1 said:
Shocky1 said:
Shocky1 said:
Shocky1 said:
https://instagr.am/p/CcGZW-0pwes
Dear Shocky,

How are you?

I am fine.

As a former ELITE worldwide fashion model with multiple online degrees, I am very proud to let you know that I'm the new Chancellor at SMU!!!!!! It's true, I interview really well!!

I really think your writing is very witty ("don't be a dumb azz, it's better to palm a tight azz") plus we both love doggy dogs, would you be willing to accept an Adjunk Professorship of Literature in addition to starting up our new Yoga/Meditation Master's Program? Realize that you're not credentialed yet as a substitute yoga teacher at Modern Yoga but we can do a workaround on that minor issue.

Look, I realize you can play literally any golf course on Planet Earth with one phone call/email but would it help your decision making if I can arrange a FREE membership at Brook Hollow which has been faithfully restored by your favorite architects Coore & Crenshaw?

Shocky, working together we can make SMU GREAT AGAIN and in any case I'm looking forward to meeting you at your pregame FREE buffet at Buc-ee's on Saturday November 30th, is this a clothing optional event or not??

I will even confidentially whisper in your ear my GPA!!

Respectfully yours,

Tiffany Von Strudel the Third
SMU Chancellor

P.S. > Agreed that clothes r for losers!!!

Dear Shocky,

How are you?

I am fine!!

Getting my nails done this morning at the Reverse Cowgirl Nail Saloon in Highland Park & thought you might be interested in my list of the TOP 3 people on planet earth that I would like to take a naked azz shower with in the very near future!!

1) Shocky, no big surprise there!!


^ editor's note: shocky goes to the lunch box every month for grooming, he never in real life got nasty azz hair on his belly or really anywhere like he does in this foto

2) Rickie Fowler, he don't gotta lotta STDs like DeChambo!!

3) George Bush, we need funding for a new Poli Sci building on campus.

See you Saturday morning at Buc-ee's, should I wear any underwear or NOT??

Hugs & kisses,

Tiffany Von Strudel the Third
SMU Chancellor


Dear Shocky,

How are you?

I am mad at you!!

Wut the **** is Becky G doing at Buc-ee's??


I may NOT be flying out after all for the Ponys game in Berkeley on Saturday November 29th (and if I do I'm probably going to hook up with Jacob de Jesus or Rino Monteforte after the game, which ever one of them isn't busy with postgame interviews), got it??

Don't even bother to ever call me again unless ur DEAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Cordially,

Tiffany Von Strudel the Third
SMU Chancellor



Dear Shocky,

How are you??

I'm tired of your prevalent discriminatory attitudes against Blondes, are you really too ******* stupid to understand that I'm only 2 appointments away at Zolton's from becoming a curvy brunette yoga female??

You wish you had played your cards right with me and taken my offer of an Adjunk Professorship!!

You ****ing smelly Berkeley Hippie!!

****ing AZZhole!!

Not your friend,

Tiffany Von Strudel the Third
SMU Chancellor

Dear Shocky,

How are you??

I would like to apologize for that last emotional outburst, when I mix my anxiety/depression meds with alcohol sometimes I say some really dumb **** that I don't really mean!!

So let's try this again, you know that Wilson and Ireland aren't really listening to any of your recommendations, would you like to become the next SMU Head Golf Coach??

Sleep on it yoga boy, ok??

XXXOOO

Tiffany Von Strudel the Third
SMU Chancellor

P.S. I'm allergic to dogs, is that going to be a problem in our relationship??
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Shocky1
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7:27p, 12/2/25
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Pittstop
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In reply to Shocky1 • 10:00p, 12/2/25
Shocky1 said:

dakota, tosh is looking for day 1 early impact defensive linemen & ur 3.5 gpa is a real plus in berkeley!!

cal 38
smu 35

real talk: southern methodist university is 100% low key racist, minorities (blacks, polys & latinos) are NOT included in the school's heavy greek social system at smu which is basically a safety school for entitled rich (whose daddy belongs to dallas national & the downtown petroleum club) white low gpa kids that got denied admission to usc, duke, vanderbilt and all the uc system/ivy league schools

texas honestly got the worst ******* weather year round in the united states of america, it's nasty azz humid hot from april thru september & then cold as **** in the winter

the high today in dallas (a dead flat ugly azz concrete jungle with whooville tract homes in the "safe" all white north suburbs & "dangerous" minority housing projects in the south) is 39 degrees which is basically level 7 hypothermia weather

nobody evah confused highland park with stinson beach bro

https://instagr.am/p/DRNzcVvjPFc
don't be a dumb azz (like the pony's fake snapping center)#

Not that humid in Dallas. Too far north. But it gets cold af between December and March.
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Big C
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In reply to Shocky1 • 10:19p, 12/2/25
Shocky1 said:
Shocky1 said:

cal's monster class OFFICIAL list of the 14 finalists for the head coaching position:

1) vince lombardi
2) sean lewis
3) nick rolovich (honorary berkeley grad)
4) troy taylor (berkeley grad)
5) tom landry
6) james arthur knowlton
7) brent brennan
8) dominique arcienga (berkeley grad)
9) bill walsh
10) ryan longwell (berkeley grad)
11) trevor the equipment guy
12) bryan harsin
13) consortium of cal tv "fans" (will not actually attend games in person)
14) tosh lupoi (berkeley grad)

ron & the committee are completing a thorough and exhaustive vetting of all 14 equally qualified candidates & a FINAL decision is expected no later than the 2nd week in february (if the entire 2026 high school class decommits by december 3rd that's just the cost of doing biz in berkeley)!!

to facilitate monetary sports book wagering re: this exciting & rigorous evaluation process, please go to the newly incorporated MONSTERLOSEURAZZ.COM to place ur bets for ur favorite candidate(s) vs the house odds of only 7% for tosh lupoi, got it??

plz note all bets are considered final and absolutely no refunds will be issued (all appeals arguing the legal doctrines of imminent domain or inverse condensation will be straight up rejected)

can't wait to see how this all plays out!!



BET NOW AND OFTEN!!#

haha, big c it wuz always FAKE NEWS that there wuz 14 candidates but it did drive revenue wagering for MONSTERLOSEURAZZ.COM!!

ron fired justin sunday afternoon & tosh took a private cessna to meet with ron arriving at 7:00 pm tuesday evening

pretty good list, thanks... I definitely feel like doms should be back at Cal in one capacity or another
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Shocky1
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10:26p, 12/2/25
https://instagr.am/p/CI4rcg3jXEO
agreed big c, doms needs to be involved in the modeling/marketing of cal football merchandise!!

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10:43p, 12/2/25
https://instagr.am/p/CbWtIoeg_Z1
pitts, ur definition of too much humidity might be different than a lotta people, last spring shocky played coore & crenshaw's trinity forest (south dallas) in april as a single 1st out in the early morning with a caddie & the monster had to take a 5 minute ice cold shower & change clothes between nines in order to finish walking 18 holes & the bears afternoon 2023 football game in early september against north texas in denton (north dallas) wuz uncomfortably hot as **** too

agreed tho that the texas hill country (austin/san antonio) is more comfortable than the urban metroplexes (dallas/houston) which are basically a death sentence for any creature that's not an iguana in the summer & a polar bear in the winter

but texas don't got a state income tax which is important to some people!!
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Shocky1
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11:36p, 12/2/25



is saffell gonna invite schulzie to the kickback or NOT to squash any beef??#
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ecb
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11:50p, 12/2/25
What do you have against madsen btw? Cal bball is fun again
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Strykur
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In reply to ecb • 11:51p, 12/2/25
ecb said:
What do you have against madsen btw? Cal bball is fun again
Hatin
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Shocky1
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12:27a, 12/3/25
ecb & strykur, it's terrific that the mbb bears are playing well this season but the truth of the matter is that shocky (born under scorpio skies) got major ocd issues & isn't just gonna be a casual fan or engage in any kinda relationship in anything in life without being 100% involved/committed...during the cal monster class era when schulzie wuz the self appointed (with monty & cuonzo's blessings for UNLIMTED access to every aspect of the program) general manager shocky went to 100+ consecutive games in berkeley & on the road despite living further afar in north scottsdale in our shared quest/vision to win a NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIP (if caleb swanigan, rip, gets his guardian roosevelt barnes to sign the letter of intent he wanted to become a berkeley student, the bears would've started 5 NBA players with sharpshooter jordan matthews as the 6th man)!!

wut needs to happen is chancellor lyons firing the current co athletic director ****tard jay larson who is not being held accountable for the abysmal attendance in haas pavillion (being in an empty haas would break my ******* heart after our days of 11,000+ sell outs) then hiring a full time general manager who can start working on healing all the fractured relationships that are holding back the program & also begin successfully fundraising for the critically needed dedicated basketball practice facility & then maybe shocky/jaylen brown will return to haas pavillion STANDING NEXT TO YOU!!



^ the singer/tambourine player is alex turner the lead singer of the arctic monkeys
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ecb
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In reply to Shocky1 • 1:00a, 12/3/25
Shocky1 said:
ecb & strykur, it's terrific that the mbb bears are playing well this season but the truth of the matter is that shocky (born under scorpio skies) got major ocd issues & isn't just gonna be a casual fan or engage in any kinda relationship in anything in life without being 100% involved/committed...during the cal monster class era when schulzie wuz the self appointed (with monty & cuonzo's blessings for UNLIMTED access to every aspect of the program) general manager shocky went to 100+ consecutive games in berkeley & on the road despite living further afar in north scottsdale in our shared quest/vision to win a NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIP (if caleb swanigan, rip, gets his guardian roosevelt barnes to sign the letter of intent he wanted to become a berkeley student, the bears would've started 5 NBA players with sharpshooter jordan matthews as the 6th man)!!

wut needs to happen is chancellor lyons firing the current co athletic director ****tard jay larson who is not being held accountable for the abysmal attendance in haas pavillion (being in an empty haas would break my ******* heart after our days of 11,000+ sell outs) then hiring a full time general manager who can start working on healing all the fractured relationships that are holding back the program & also begin successfully fundraising for the critically needed dedicated basketball practice facility & then maybe shocky/jaylen brown will return to haas pavillion STANDING NEXT TO YOU!!



^ the singer/tambourine player is alex turner the lead singer of the arctic monkeys


Agree the AD needs change. But the kids and the coach agree good and deserve support.

Also I don't think we're getting a standalone new build practice facility.

Hopefully they draw you back soon
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Shocky1
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1:36a, 12/3/25
ecb, u need nba talent throughout the starting lineup to compete for a NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIP & that's not gonna happen in berkeley without a dedicated bb practice facility, can we plz be absolutely sure

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calumnus
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In reply to 82gradDLSdad • 2:57a, 12/3/25
82gradDLSdad said:
Shocky1 said:
desean jackson wuz NOT one of the 14 candidates

cal's expired tv "fans" don't know **** (mazel tov)#


I've gone to every home game the last two years and many years before. I didn't know. The horse has been beaten. It's dead. Let's give it a nice funeral.


They didn't announce it over the PA at Memorial during the SMU game?
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82gradDLSdad
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In reply to calumnus • 6:37a, 12/3/25
calumnus said:
82gradDLSdad said:
Shocky1 said:
desean jackson wuz NOT one of the 14 candidates

cal's expired tv "fans" don't know **** (mazel tov)#


I've gone to every home game the last two years and many years before. I didn't know. The horse has been beaten. It's dead. Let's give it a nice funeral.


They didn't announce it over the PA at Memorial during the SMU game?


They could announce that I won the lottery over the PA system and I wouldn't hear it over the rap and other blaring noise. I need my 20 year old self to attend these games and my 66 year old self transported back to the 70s so I could attend those games. Then they'd be perfect. I hate almost everything about the stadium experience. Wait...our dance team is, uh, really, uh, professional and, uh, well dressed.
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Shocky1
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7:14a, 12/3/25

monster analysis: +1 athletic with SPEED will be starting on coach anae's o-line in the very near future if daniel can get to 300+ lbs thru s&c/nutrition work

3.8 gpa
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Shocky1
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7:19a, 12/3/25

monster analysis: high motor linebacker with sideline to sideline tackling instincts & 4.56 40 SPEED

3.4 gpa
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Shocky1
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7:27a, 12/3/25

monster analysis: after a season of dropped balls by the wideout room, the sure handed kai gotta opportunity to catch dimes from his brah jaron keawe sagepolutele who wuz an early enrollee & will graduate from berkeley in 3+ years

3.6 gpa
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Shocky1
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7:31a, 12/3/25

monster analysis: the days of undersized o-lineman in berkeley are thankfully ******* over with coach anae's emphasis upon SIZE & ATTITUDE, the 6'5" 330 lbs elisha is gonna knock the **** outta opposing d-linemen/backers

3.0+ gpa
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7:35a, 12/3/25

monster analysis: if ur a fan of the EXPLOSIVE non nba sized jacob de jesus & criminally underutilized quaron adams (tho 5 catches for 65 yards against smu, shocky is his biggest fan) ur gonna luv this highlight reel fresno playmaker

3.3 gpa
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7:43a, 12/3/25

monster analysis: the d-line is the staff's #1 recruiting priority with the 2026 class & this upcoming january transfer portal window, nemyah's decision to NOT flip is tosh's 1st MAJOR recruiting battle win, let's all warmly greet the tight telona fam when they make the short drive to memorial stadium in the fall of 2026 on gamedays

3.0+ gpa

https://instagr.am/p/DPYkpzrDvuI
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NVBear78
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In reply to Shocky1 • 7:51a, 12/3/25
Shocky1 said:
ecb, u need nba talent throughout the starting lineup to compete for a NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIP & that's not gonna happen in berkeley without a dedicated bb practice facility, can we plz be absolutely sure




Bill, you're missing out on a fun basketball experience that is building for the future. Really great team to watch this year and we have already doubled the number of games attended last year….
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Shocky1
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7:52a, 12/3/25

monster analysis: a big time rb1 talent but shocky's concerns are if victor got the loyalty/maturity to be a team player & the academic discipline to earn a berkeley degree or is he gonna chase premium dollars at the 1st opportunity??

3.0+ gpa
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