Just tatted up Polk street. Union st next pic.twitter.com/S4Cmb50wTZ

— Cal Berkeley State AD Jimbo (@jimboknowlton) August 15, 2025

keep thinking that # is cade's handicap (no ******* way)#

california golden bears yucky blucky fruitcake classes (mr spieker not amused cuz he got worser seats):

doechii, why don't you introduce the yucky blucky fruitcakes to the class?

2026 class:

mason lewis, defensive back (3.7 gpa)
ernest nunley, corner/nickel (3.25 gpa)
rocky cummings, linebacker (4.1 gpa)
tyree "reekus" sams, wide receiver (3.3 gpa)
kamo'i huihui-white, offensive lineman (3.9 gpa)
nainoa lopes, quarterback (3.57 gpa)
kingston "lucky" schirmer, defensive lineman (3.0 gpa)
esaiah wong, offensive lineman (3.0+ gpa)
luca georg wolf, tight end (motivated student from austria)
frank fauna jr, defensive lineman (4.0 gpa)
emmanuel "ej" morgan, wide receiver/kick returner (4.3 gpa)
brady palmer, quarterback (3.3 gpa)
taimane purcell, tight end (3.9 gpa)
nemyah telona, defensive lineman (3.0+ gpa)
victor santino, running back (3.0+ gpa)
elisha faamatuainu, offensive lineman (3.0+ gpa)
jaxon pyatt, linebacker (3.4 gpa)
camron brooks, edge defender (3.0+ gpa)
artem korchagin, offensive lineman (4.1 gpa)
jonathan mckinley, linebacker (4.83 gpa)
deon jackson, corner/nickel (3.0+ gpa)
jaydn crowder, corner/nickel (3.4 gpa)

2025 class (all former walk ons are now on schollys, CONGRATS!!):

jordan king, wide receiver (4.38 gpa)
alonzo esparza, quarterback (4.0 gpa)
belay brummell, quarterback (3.95 gpa)
carson perry-smith, wide receiver (4.1 gpa)
jayden parker, running back (4.16 gpa)
isaac torres, wide receiver (3.5 gpa)
mayze bryant, defensive back (3.5 gpa)
jordan franke, longsnapper (3.81 gpa)
dean taylor-chapman, running back (4.0 gpa)
tobey weydemuller, defensive back (3.92 gpa)
jude mclellan, outside linebacker (3.9 gpa)
nate escalada, defensive back (4.23 gpa)
michael cooley, outside linebacker (3.0 gpa)
ewan arechaederra, longsnapper (3.6 gpa)
lucas vanderlind, inside linebacker (4.2 gpa)
bj jones, inside linebacker (3.55 gpa)
sam bjerke, offensive lineman (3.9 gpa)
cole bosica, wide receiver (4.1 gpa)
myles reber, wide receiver (3.75 gpa)
jeffrey johnson, tight end (3.7 gpa)
jack olyphant, tight end (3.72 gpa)
rj stephens, defensive lineman (3.77 gpa)
michael kern, punter (3.4 gpa)
landon morris, tight end (3.7 gpa)
jayden dixon-veal, wide receiver (3.0+ gpa)
lj johnson, running back (3.7 gpa)
abram murray, kicker (4.0 gpa)
brent "paco" wilson corner/nickel (3.3 gpa)
jordan sanford, wide receiver (3.5 gpa)
harrison taggart, linebacker (3.9 gpa)
chase meyer, kicker (4.3 gpa)
mark hamper, wide receiver (3.5 gpa)
zae smith, defensive tackle (3.37 gpa)
daveion harley, offensive lineman (3.36 gpa)
kendrick raphael, running back (3.8 gpa)
quimari shemwell, corner/nickel back (3.0+ gpa)
brandon high jr, running back (3.3 gpa)
rino monteforte, longsnapper (4.0 gpa)
tj bush, edge defender (3.3 gpa)
quaron adams, wide receiver (3.0 gpa)
chris victor, edge defender (3.3 gpa)
jojo genova, offensive lineman (3.5 gpa)
erik peters, kicker (3.9 gpa)
devin brown, quarterback (4.4 gpa)
dazmin james, wide receiver (3.0 gpa)
justin hasenhuetl, interior offensive lineman (3.75 gpa)
jacob de jesus, wide receiver/kick returner (3.67 gpa)
caleb johnston, longsnapper (3.5 gpa)
simon mapa, tight end (3.47 gpa)
mason mini, tight end (3.8 gpa)
john gayer, edge defender (2.8 gpa)
jordon moko, offensive line (3.8 gpa)
jayden wayne, edge defender (4.0 gpa)
brook honoree jr, punter (3.8 gpa)
dominic ingrassia, quarterback (3.2 gpa)
jaron keawe sagapolutele, quarterback (3.75 gpa)
buom jock, inside linebacker (3.1 gpa)
leon bell, offensive tackle (3.1 gpa)
tristan dunn, safety (3.0 gpa)
lamar robinson, offensive guard (3.5 gpa)
tyson ruffins, interior offensive lineman (3.8 gpa)
lajuan owens, left tackle (3.2 gpa)
hezekiah masses, corner/nickel (2.7 gpa)
kyle cunanan, kicker (3.73 gpa)
tyson ford, defensive lineman (3.4 gpa)
odera okaka, edge defender (3.3 gpa)
john tofi jr, edge defender (3.8 gpa)
aiden manutai, safety (4.0 gpa)
tre' harrison, safety (4.83 gpa)
mike klisiewicz, offensive lineman (3.7 gpa)
jacob houseworth, tight end (3.25 gpa)
jae'on young, corner/nickel back (3.4 gpa)
lebron williams, defensive end (3.2 gpa)
beckham barney, inside linebacker (4.2 gpa)
anthony league, running back (3.9 gpa)
ikechukwu okafor, edge defender (3.7 gpa)
ben howard, offensive guard (3.2 gpa)
meyer swinney, hybrid wide receiver/tight end (3.75 gpa)
kaden cook, cornerback (3.4 gpa)

2024 class:

will mcdonald, left guard (3.5 gpa)
checkhsaliou fall, edge defender (3.3 gpa)
cj harris, quarterback (3.5 gpa)
serigne tounkara, edge defender (3.88 gpa)
kyion graves, wide receiver (3.3 gpa)
ryan yaites, safety (3.2 gpa)
jasiah wagoner, corner/nickel back (3.25 gpa)
tj bollers, edge defender (4.0 gpa)
corey dyches, hybrid tight end/wide receiver (3.1 gpa)
braden miller, offensive tackle (4.0 gpa)
liam johnson, inside linebacker (3.36 gpa at princeton)
khamani hudson, cornerback (3.5 gpa)
bobby engstler, punter/kicker (3.72 gpa)
jonathan "gameday" brady, wide receiver (3.2 gpa)
mikey miller, wide receiver (3.8 gpa)
victor stoffel, offensive tackle (motivated student in sweden)
kadarius calloway, running back (2.7 gpa)
ryan coe, kicker (3.5 gpa)
tobias merriweather, wide receiver (3.6 gpa)
ja'ir smith, defensive back (3.0+ gpa)
syris corley, offensive lineman (3.0 gpa)
rush reimer, offensive lineman (3.3 gpa)
marcus harris, defensive back (3.2 gpa)
aidan ikaika keanaaina, defensive tackle (4.0 gpa)
aiden newbill, offensive line (3.72 gpa)
isaiah crosby, safety (3.0+ gpa)
luke ferrelli, inside linebacker (4.0 gpa)
chandler rogers, quarterback (3.3 gpa)
teddye buchanan, inside linebacker (3.5 gpa)
josiah martin, wide receiver (3.5 gpa)
jack endries, tight end (3.83 gpa)
trond grizzell, wide receiver (3.8 gpa)
bj canady, defensive tackle (3.91 gpa)
legend journey, apex predator edge defender (3.3 gpa)
ej caminong, quarterback (3.5 gpa)
dayton "dayday" aupiu, defensive back (3.51 gpa)
jamaal wiley, running back (3.0+ gpa)
trevor rogers, wide receiver (3.5 gpa)
michael-anthony okwura, defensive lineman (3.4 gpa)
eze osondu, inside linebacker (3.5 gpa)
brookyln cheek, defensive back (2.9 gpa)
camden jones, tight end (2.8 gpa)
tyler knape, offensive line (3.8 gpa)

2023 class:
barrett miller, offensive lineman (4.2 hs gpa & stanford mechancial engineering degree)
taj davis, wide receiver (3.2 gpa)
king doerue, running back (3.5 gpa)
isaiah ifanse, running back (3.2 gpa at montana state)
marcus scott ii, cornerback (3.3 gpa at missouri)
tidiane "frenchy" jalloh (motivated student from france)
matthew wykoff, offensive tackle (3.75 gpa)
marquez "mojo" dortch, wide receiver (2.9 gpa)
ben finley, quarterback (4.308 gpa)
patrick mcmorris, safety (3.65 gpa)
david bird, longsnapper (4.0 gpa)
marquis montgomery, wide receiver (3.4 gpa)
martin tine, offensive tackle (2.9 gpa)
stanley mckenzie, nose tackle (3.3 gpa)
david reese, outside linebacker (3.7 gpa)
sam jackson v, quarterback (2.8 gpa)
brian hightower, wide receiver (3.2 gpa)
justin williams-thomas aka j-will, running back (4.0 gpa)
asher alberding, tight end (3.85 gpa)
jt byrne, tight end (3.75 gpa)
lachlan wilson, punter (strong student from australia)
byron caldwell, running back (3.3 gpa)
sergio allen, inside linebacker (3.4 gpa)
matt littlejohn, defensive back (3.0 gpa)
jaivian "the jet" thomas, running back (3.4 gpa)
nohl williams, defensive back (3.61 gpa)
kaylin moore, defensive back (3.4 gpa)
frederick williams iii, offensive line (3.6 gpa)
zurich ashford, defensive end (3.62 gpa)
ben marshall, tight end (3.4 gpa)
ryan mcculloch, outside linebacker (4.1 gpa)
tiumalu afalava, defensive line (4.1 gpa)
cade uluave, inside linebacker (3.85 gpa)
sailasa vadrawale, defensive back (3.46 gpa)
nyziah hunter, wide receiver (2.8 gpa)
nick morrow, offensive tackle (3.7 gpa)
michael luckhurst, kicker (4.37 gpa)



wow, that was quite the introduction, doechii, we're gonna have to talk after class...don't forget to take the chicken out

https://instagr.am/p/DAb8NtkBYtv

Just got this marketing email from cal and guess who is still front and center ! pic.twitter.com/DypNEiMwOq

— Twist (@TwistNH7) August 22, 2025

real talk: knowlton packed his **** & took his $1,100,000 annual "retirement" severance thru 2029 to colorado springs 7 weeks ago yet the current co athletic director ****tards jay larson & jennifer simon-o'neil are continuing the con artist's legacy of alienating the cal football & basketball fanbases with their anti fb & bb agendas while misapropriating donor funding to olympic sports, they still do NOT get it!!

if u see jay & jenny tomorrow during the bears practice at the FREE food/meet the players extravaganza at memorial stadium, tell them that it's too ******* late for them to deceptively rebrand themselves as football advocates & that they should just **** off and GTFO

worthless bureaucrats 2.0 (rich, hire/promote berkeley grads instead, got it??)#

Mission Viejo has mostly stayed away from Cal commit Jayden Crowder tonight but here he comes up to make a tackle for Santa Margarita in the fourth quarter. @CalBearsOn3 pic.twitter.com/kpU2Jfw0TV

— Matt Moreno (@MattRMoreno) August 23, 2025

2026 3.4 gpa commit (the dreams & nightmare TAKERS physically tackle in open space)#



the university of california, berkeley=#1 ranked public university in the world (including dizzyland)

cal's monster class FREE talent evaluations:

https://instagr.am/p/CQ4AaXWh9E7


^ fascinating conversation at the 34 minute 30 second mark re: the power of SMILING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

fun fact: PONYTAILS r triggering (particularly when they r tied & retied)!!

sad fact: shocky don't got no ponytail which is a mandatory requirement along with 700+ hours of training in order to become a certified substitute teacher at modern yoga

real talk: curvy brunette yoga females with PONYTAILS from academically mediocre schools like asu find berkeley, stanford & ivy league degreed guys triggering when they enter the REAL WORLD

don't be a dumb azz (wut's ur ******* gpa??)#

Don’t miss the last person's reaction at the @TOURChamp ! ⛳️ 🤩@Tuvok12Official | @FedEx pic.twitter.com/H2tjwgvXWF

— PGA TOUR (@PGATOUR) August 23, 2025

2025 tour championship at east lake: 3rd round update

collin morikawa (70, tied for 17th): gutty round with a clutch birdie 4 on the architecturally poorly designed par 5 18th hole for our california golden bear with ELITE driving the golf ball (12 outta 14 fairways, 86%) but kinda miscalculated iron play (only 9 of 18 greens hit in regulation, 50%) & once again like yesterday multiple putts lost right of the cup due to not fully releasing the putterhead

weird fashion choice for morikawa wearing all black on a nasty hot as **** humid day with intermittent rain/swirling winds...bogey for kat & koa keeping dad in style

seriously why would anyone wanna live in the deep south like georgia or a ****hole truck stop town in oklahoma if they had the legit option of living in the san francisco bay area with cali weather??

Shocky1 said:

---

Don’t miss the last person's reaction at the @TOURChamp ! ⛳️ 🤩@Tuvok12Official | @FedEx pic.twitter.com/H2tjwgvXWF

— PGA TOUR (@PGATOUR) August 23, 2025

2025 tour championship at east lake: 3rd round update

collin morikawa (70, tied for 17th): gutty round with a clutch birdie 4 on the architecturally poorly designed par 5 18th hole for our california golden bear with ELITE driving the golf ball (12 outta 14 fairways, 86%) but kinda miscalculated iron play (only 9 of 18 greens hit in regulation, 50%) & once again like yesterday multiple putts lost right of the cup due to not fully releasing the putterhead

weird fashion choice for morikawa wearing all black on a nasty hot as **** humid day with intermittent rain/swirling winds...bogey for kat & koa keeping dad in style

seriously why would anyone wanna live in the deep south like georgia or a ****hole truck stop town in oklahoma if they had the legit option of living in the san francisco bay area with cali weather??

---

Says the guy who lives in Arizona…..

alky, my longtime club in flagstaff (home of starting tackle candidate nick morrow) is at 7000+ elevation (higher than lake tahoe) & the summertime temps are usually in the 70s & sometimes the 80s with zero humidity plus the ball travels forevah in the thin air!!

https://instagr.am/p/CvVQj-RPjH_
u gotta open invitation to tee it up with me next summer off route 66 in the high altitude, got it??

plus shocky's summertime golf travels take him around the globe in search of the next great links

and nitetime swimming naked with his barking rescue doggy dog pack in shocky's north scottsdale backyard cobalt blue tiled pool is FUN too!!

https://instagr.am/p/DMTkgoQNFRF
clothes r for losers#

Great team win last night @AwestFootball !
Hunting season has begun ☠️ #boogeyman
@Coach_MikeBruno @Coach_Sooto @GregBiggins @adamgorney @BrandonHuffman @JoeMento @tommys2s pic.twitter.com/Pgjd1aDtBP

— Jaxon Pyatt (@JaxonPyatt) August 23, 2025

2026 3.4 gpa sideline to sideline linebacker with relentless pursuit jaxon pyatt#

the university of california, berkeley=#1 ranked public university on planet earth (including rocky mountain high school in arvada)

BREAKING NEWS 🚨

Cade Uluave has been taking reps at quarterback, preparing to start on week 1 versus Washington State #GoBears pic.twitter.com/Xxn7R3sz5V

— Morgano (@Morganzobeanzo) August 23, 2025

cal's monster class qb1!! (let's kick the cougs to the curb in the palouse)#

https://instagr.am/p/DF8OWKavdIS

https://instagr.am/p/BmROTXngLar
hawaii rainbow warriors 23
stanford cardinal 20

shocky wuz rooting for his poly brah bows but the stanford cardinal (0-1) loss is slightly mitigated by the fact that most analysts view cal & stanford as a package deal in the next round of conference realignments...yeah end of the game field goal kicking is kinda important, right justin??

素晴らしい!!!

Kansei called game 😤#BRADDAHHOOD x #GoBows pic.twitter.com/mitoa5d01T

— Hawaii Football (@HawaiiFootball) August 24, 2025

offensively the cards are running the elephant package run schemes of their glory teams tho without future nfl linemen & wide receivers which is compounded by the fact that qb1 ben gulbanson (seeking admission into med school after this season, 15 for 30 for an anemic 109 yards & an interception) is a -1 athletic statue with very limited vertical downfield passing upside (opponents including our staff will put 8 defenders in the box)

defensively congrats to inside backer hunter barth on 4 tackles including a sack, the only other d playmaker for the cards wuz backer matt rose with a relentless 12 solo (13 overall) tackles

one of the most dumb azz transfers in recent times wuz this offseason when former 4.0 gpa berkeley high school (heavily recruited by the bears) wideout jackson harris (6 catches for 59 yards) transferred from stanford to hawaii...when jackson is 30 years old and the valet supervisor at the claremont resort paying bills with tip money he's probably gonna look back at that life changing decision with regret...that's the equivalence of transferring from harvard to oklahoma state or something and a great way to **** up ur future

I think the goal is 0-12 https://t.co/LAL7l6nqVg

— Twist (@TwistNH7) August 23, 2025

That's a wrap for Fall Camp 🐻 #SmartAndTough #GoBears pic.twitter.com/8whBxHVaOE

— Cal Football (@CalFootball) August 24, 2025

got the pendulum of emotions (ready u ready for the truth??)#

https://instagr.am/p/DMGKDK8MKGI
2025 tour championship at east lake: 4th round update

collin morikawa (68, tied for 19th): our bear finished with a flourish with a birdie 4 on the par 5 18th hole after hitting his 2nd shot fairway wood to 18 feet for an eagle look, collin finished the week tied for 4th in driving accuracy & 4th in strokes gained on approaches, the elite ball striking is all there

happy that morikawa as the DEFENDING CHAMPION will be handing the trophy on to a likable tommy fleetwood & not a glacier moving (issued a slow play warning on the back nine & put on the clock) mortuary undertaker like the joyless sad as **** patrick cantlay

one of collin's most endearing qualities is his SMILING (listen to the above bearinsider preseason talent evaluation video re: the importance of this & a lotta specific player insights from jim, greg & paws)

shocky makes fun of the deep south due to its racist undertones, unhealthy deep fried angioplasty lifestyles & lousy as **** weather but the truth is that one of the bears greatest supporters is justin thomas who grew up in kentucky & went to school at alabama...this season justin has been a fabulous friend/cheerleader to max homa in the quest to regain his magic and during collin's 1st week on the pga tour back in the day thomas invited the poly rookie out to dinner at the canadian open to share with him some of the secrets of managing tour road life

yeah justin thomas like rickie fowler (married 4.0 gpa berkeley grad allison) & xander schauffele (des tole me x wanted to be a bear but dad wanted him to stay in san diego) is a ******* honorary california golden bear!!



2025 ryder cup update: captain bradley will announce his 12 person usa team this wednesday at 8:00 am pacific coast time on the golf channel...shocky thinks morikawa (ranked #7 in the world, 4-1 in the president's cup last year & keeps the ball in play as well as anybody that plays golf on planet earth) is gonna be on the team with dual role keegan with the only surprise being maverick mcnealy left off the team for new yorker (dad wuz the head pro at sleepy hollow) cameron young who will be a fan favorite at unruly bethpage black on long island (in speaking with club members in the hamptons they collectively believe there will be major outta control crowd harassment issues for the europeans which hopefully won't happen)

and yeah jt & collin would be a terrific pairing for the american team!!

morikawa has not played in the bay area since his 2020 pga championship victory at harding park with his historical driving the green on the dogleg right lakeside par 4 16th hole, his inclusion on the 2025 usa squad would guarantee his participation in the procore pga tournament at silverado on september 11th-14th (which will likely set attendance records with scottie & the american team utilizing wine country as a team bonding space for players & their significant others and caddies), fingers crossed on this!!

2026 michael kim schedule (tentative):

My ideal full pgatour schedule for 2026:

23/31 plus the playoffs 😳

That’s a lot of green haha pic.twitter.com/D7wKl1DkCw

— Michael S. Kim (@Mike_kim714) August 24, 2025

Cal-commit TE @taimane_purcell showing off his smooth catching ability and why he is a top prospect out of Hawai'i for the class of 2026.

Expecting a big senior season for Purcell at Kamehameha this fall.@HIsportsradio @BrandonHuffman @GregBiggins @JacksonMoore247 @CalBears247… pic.twitter.com/xm5aZXiJIM

— Michael Lasquero (@MichaelLasquero) July 8, 2025

taimane, as a 3.9 gpa commit and the next great tight end in berkeley catching dimes from jaron did future head coaching in waiting/berkeley haas biz ad grad mike saffell invite u to the throwback party next friday nite??



life is NOT linear (brah, moving from the beaches to the bay is part of ur life's adventure)#

Shocky1 said:

---

Cal-commit TE @taimane_purcell showing off his smooth catching ability and why he is a top prospect out of Hawai'i for the class of 2026.

Expecting a big senior season for Purcell at Kamehameha this fall.@HIsportsradio @BrandonHuffman @GregBiggins @JacksonMoore247 @CalBears247… pic.twitter.com/xm5aZXiJIM

— Michael Lasquero (@MichaelLasquero) July 8, 2025

taimane, as a 3.9 gpa commit and the next great tight end in berkeley catching dimes from jaron did future head coaching in waiting/berkeley haas biz ad grad mike saffell invite u to the throwback party next friday nite??

---

Oh man, he is looking bigger and faster and still smooth. At least from the few highlight vids I have seen. If this portends to his success this season, we are gonna have to fight to keep him.

hairy, hear wut ur saying & agreed taimane is a very special talent coveted by a lotta schools but shocky is very confident that the 3.9 gpa purcell is gonna be in berkeley next summer...the overwhelming # of the occasional bears decommits in recent times have been low gpa silver bullet admissions guys who at the end of the day don't really wanna read books & **** (they will be exploited as expendable gladiators at football factories with no academic component with shaky futures working on loading docks after football), taimane is NOT one of those guys

taimane can see that his brahs 3.75 gpa jaron keawe sagapolutele & 4.0 gpa aiden manutai will be starting in the season opener as TRUE FRESHMEN for the bears!!...real talk: the big generational wealth building payouts in life come from earning a berkeley degree and getting PAID in the national football league

coach harsin back in the day at boise state ran a heavy 2 tight end scheme so it's really important that coach saffell also got a 2026 commitment from austrian off the charts +1 athletic 6'55 252 lbs luca georg wolf who has only played football for 1 year & also gotta nasty physical streak in competition

Not just a Football Player… an Athlete!!!
And I can do much more! pic.twitter.com/HkxsMVk81m

— Luca Georg Wolf (@lwglf) August 2, 2025

the university of california, berkeley=#1 ranked public university in the world (including aiea and vienna)

Loser of your fantasy football league has to play a round of golf with Patrick Cantlay.

— Tour Golf (@PGATUOR) August 24, 2025

**** cantlay#

the end of the summer of 2025 (fall roadtrip to the oregon state fair)#

Concur with your assessment of the Ryder Cup picks. He takes Thomas because of his past record, takes Ben Griffin just based on points, takes Morikawa because his ball-striking is perfect for foursomes, takes Cantlay so he can partner with Xander. That leaves two spots. I don't think he can take McNealy because he already has three rookies on the team in Spaun, Henley and Griffin. Of the guys that are left, I think he takes himself because he needs another veteran, and because he's playing as well or better than the other high non-qualifiers on the list. Lastly, he takes Cameron Young because he played well in Atlanta, and because his distance is also a good match for the team days at Bethpage. If there's a swapout, maybe he takes Burns, who I think played in the Presidents Cup, rather than Young, because of Burns putting. He doesn't take Novak because he's a rookie, and doesn't take Harman because Harman has struggled under pressure in the past.

jeff, agree with ur analysis but think there's a strong probability that power hitting (which is a valuable tool at bethpage black) crowd favorite cameron young is gonna get the magic phone call from the cap while hopefully the unlikeable slow playing patrick cantlay stays home, who r ur euro picks??

🚨🇺🇸☎️ #BREAKING - Sources familiar tell NUCLR GOLF that Sam Burns has received the call from Captain Keegan Bradley to play for Team USA at Bethpage Black. Burns is ranked #16 in the U.S. team standings and is set to make his 2nd Ryder Cup appearance. pic.twitter.com/53neDpEi8P

— NUCLR GOLF (@NUCLRGOLF) August 25, 2025

roadtrip to the oregon state fair

below is repost from back in the day when the monster (in his role as the cal men's basketball general manager in charge of recruiting, attendance, academic achievement & player fashion choices) & his daughter taylor made a recruiting trip on behalf of cal's monster class to portlandia
______________________________________________________________

taylor & i walked from the nines thru chinatown & past of crowd of 100+ non yoga practicing stoned pale white people waiting outside of voodoo doughnuts & then across the steel bridge over the willamette river to the moda center & back again after the 2015 nike hoop summit...them doughnuts sure looked tasty but if kameron rooks can core out, we can too



it should be noted that the game was played with international rules, 2 of the refs spoke to each other in a an eastern bloc language, with very few fouls & pushing on every sequence...also the game was impacted by selfish guard play that dominated the ball

taylor & i sat on the floor behind the basket & yelled at ivan rabb during warm ups "hey ivan, let's do this" (me) & "go to the bears, ivan" (taylor) and he glanced over with a surprised look ("what are they doing here?) and smiled with a quick nod

we also yelled at jaylen brown, he responded with what could be best described as a laughing smirk

players notes:

ivan rabb: not many touches, competed underneath the basket for rebounds & blocked thon maker a couple of times...started the game with a leg brace & then left the game for good after a vicious poke in the eyes

jaylen brown: what an athlete, the best defender in the game with numerous disruptions of passes...offensively drained shots from all over the court ala patrick christopher during warm ups...nba body with a physical & graceful style of play...like ivan, very unselfish in sharing the ball

alonzo trier: followed up his 6-20 shooting at the mcdonalds game with 4-14 shooting at the nike summit...the arizona commit lacks court vision & jacks up the ball without even looking for his teammates, he's gonna shoot the wildcats out of games next season in tucson...life with the donut boy of tuscon sean miller is gonna be a rude awakening for trier

luke kennard: the best facilitator on the usa team, the duke commit is an absolute pure shooter with a mature shot selection (9-18 fgs) & much quicker defensively than anticipated

caleb swanigan: plays very physically but still needs major s&c conditioning...his low release point shooting form along with limited hops resulted in several of his shots being blocked by the uber high flying bigs on the world team before he was eventually benched

jamal murray: impressive guard from canada with a relentless basket attacking mode scored a game high 30 points...usa guards most notably allonzo trier played fundamentally weak azz d (reaching with arms, not moving feet) in ineffectively trying to guard murray...the canadian guard from ontario is looking to potentially reclassify from 2016 to 2015 and a nike sr executive told me his dad is leaning towards criminal dana altman's oregon ducks

ben simmons: most well rounded player in the game with 13 points, 8 rebound & 8 assists

skal labissiere: the guy nba scouts like the most from the 2015 class, skal scored 21 points along with 8 boards...the kentucky donor we sat by told me that coach cal told him that marcus lee is gonna return to lexington again next season, gotta have them practice players & that skal may not be cleared by the ncaa

brendan glapion: much to taylor's chagrin, the pride of san francisco dnp (primarily because college walk ons are not invited to high school all star games)...sorry sweetie


______________________________________________________________

https://instagr.am/p/DMa7JQzSVrd
oregon state roadtrip: that wuz then this is now, corvallis is a HOSTILE venue with the chainsaw blaring thru the speakers, the bears better bring a ******* VIOLENT mentality cuz this game is a REVENGE game for the beavers!!

oregon state is still ANGRY that cal & stanford joined the eastcoastie acc & the embarazzment of last fall's 44-7 beatdown in berkeley, bears fans pointing at last year's score as an indicator of the talent gap between the 2 programs are clueless as **** as more than half of the beavs 2 deep on defense wuz injured & dnp in that game

and yeah the coore & crenshaw sheep ranch course at the coastline bandon resort is a legit world top 100 design with its fascinating architectural feature of ZERO sand bunkers

https://instagr.am/p/Ck3NrMKPxPN
https://bearinsider.com/forums/8/topics/11616/175

cal football is outta time (gotta win the close ******* games)#

vals: thx u for NOT censoring every ******* potty mouth word, keeping it real!!

Clear eyes, full hearts pic.twitter.com/os1dJDGdB7

— Oregon State Football (@BeaverFootball) August 25, 2025

clear eyes, full hearts and low gpas!!#

cal men's golf updates:

https://instagr.am/p/DNuVKFJXEnc
look sihao (not gonna lie, u got good hair), shocky is glad u know how to cook & **** (that's a good life skill) and pineapple pizza is my favorite pizza too (if u evah wanna meet up on a football gameday at blondie's let me know) but brah ur 5'11" & only 155 lbs which is fine if u wanna be a substitute teacher at modern yoga like me but no bueno if u evah wanna get PAID playing pro golf

u need to be counting ur daily protein grams like pga golfers, got it??...this should not be that complicated for a berkeley student brah
https://golf.com/instruction/driving/michael-kim-explains-adding-power-driver/?srsltid=AfmBOoplX7TVIatUnrGSfXC8fmF95N1p2imBqhP4CX1gpgb1Fnz2d0ag

rory mcilroy consumes 170 ounces of protein grams every day equal to his weight, congratulations ur ham on those slices is maybe 1 ounce

https://instagr.am/p/DNzUfWmYny_
z, CONGRATS on making ur first 2 on a par 5!!

who even hits driver & then a 54% wedge with backspin on a par 5, would luv to see u win the 2025 asia pacific amateur at the emirates golf club in dubai (check out the indoor skiing facility at the mall) & earn an invitation to the 2026 masters brah!!

and yeah then shocky will caddie for u & expertly read the greens at augusta national for FREE since homa is already in a good place with his new caddie & morikawa is basically telling me to get the **** lost when it comes to looping for him

https://instagr.am/p/DM7Psl3Nh_O
real talk: shocks is not one to talk **** about people behind their backs!!

fun fact: cal is the only school on planet earth that got a larger men's golf endowment than the football program (pepperdine don't got no football program but the trade off is that nobu malibu is just minutes away if u got the game to get an ocean patio table at shocky's favorite restaurant in the world)

🎥🍿FIRST LOOK🍿🎥

Cal OL @moko_jordan during filming as he is set to star in the new "Longest Yard 2" movie where he will take over the role of the "Massive Scary Guy" pic.twitter.com/OEcEDEFdN8

— Dallas (@Dalmcm) August 25, 2025

cal's monster offensive line (is no longer undersized like the scrawny azzz cal men's golf team)#

Shocky1 said:

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jeff, agree with ur analysis but think there's a strong probability that power hitting (which is a valuable tool at bethpage black) crowd favorite cameron young is gonna get the magic phone call from the cap while hopefully the unlikeable slow playing patrick cantlay stays home, who r ur euro picks??

🚨🇺🇸☎️ #BREAKING - Sources familiar tell NUCLR GOLF that Sam Burns has received the call from Captain Keegan Bradley to play for Team USA at Bethpage Black. Burns is ranked #16 in the U.S. team standings and is set to make his 2nd Ryder Cup appearance. pic.twitter.com/53neDpEi8P

— NUCLR GOLF (@NUCLRGOLF) August 25, 2025

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I just looked at the standings, and I would guess Luke will just take the guys ranked 7-12, all of whom have PGA tour experience, I believe, and some of whom have played the Ryder Cup before. I don't follow the European Tour, and the guys 13 and below, other than Aaron Rai, are all no names to me, which tells me that none of them have really stood out enough to replace anyone that's in the top 12. Particularly playing in New York, which is going to be a hostile environment, Donald will want guys who are used to playing in front of American crowds. Interesting if he decides to leave Cantlay off, just because it means he has to do more mixing and matching for the team portion. I imagine he'll play Scheffler with Burns, since they're friends, and Colin with Young, since they've played as partners before. If Keegan picks himself, I would play him with either Spaun or Henley, since they're rookies.

jeff, the ryder cup (and to a slightly lesser extent the prez cup) the captain's calls to those that don't make the team gotta be the toughest most emotionally devastating phone calls in the game of golf

Two years ago, Keegan Bradley received the call that he was not making the Ryder Cup team.

Now, as captain, he's on the other side of the phone.

We spoke with 'Full Swing' creator Chad Mumm about capturing this moment. Watch the full video: https://t.co/xBJ2MhvOdJ pic.twitter.com/N6N2dxNjsf

— Golf Digest (@GolfDigest) August 25, 2025

there's no easy to being tole ur gonna be walked to ur car, "give your dad a squeeze...he needs it"

good call on keegan pairing himself with russell henley, bradley whispered something into henley's ear on the 18th green at east lake after they both putted out & covered his mouth to avoid lip reading...it could've been "see u on the 1st tee at bethpage next month partner"

interesting comment about collin with cameron young, agreed that burns paired with scheffler is a lock

fingers crossed that cantlay don't get picked despite his strong finish at the tour championship, he's a really bad ******* role model for junior golfers

🚨🐢⏱️ #WATCH — “He’s taking his time again… “Plenty of waggles.”

The commentators watch on as Patrick Cantlay took a while on the tee box. @TrackingCantlay pic.twitter.com/nsZybROfZ3

— NUCLR GOLF (@NUCLRGOLF) August 24, 2025

agreed re: the euro picks 1 thru 12 in the rankings, really hoping that luke donald won't deviate from that & select piece of **** 9/11 terrorist financed liv golfer sergio garcia

Shocky, you and your internetz seem to have survived the haboob?

Shocky1 said:

---

jeff, the ryder cup (and to a slightly lesser extent the prez cup) the captain's calls to those that don't make the team gotta be the toughest most emotionally devastating phone calls in the game of golf

Two years ago, Keegan Bradley received the call that he was not making the Ryder Cup team.

Now, as captain, he's on the other side of the phone.

We spoke with 'Full Swing' creator Chad Mumm about capturing this moment. Watch the full video: https://t.co/xBJ2MhvOdJ pic.twitter.com/N6N2dxNjsf

— Golf Digest (@GolfDigest) August 25, 2025

there's no easy to being tole ur gonna be walked to ur car, "give your dad a squeeze...he needs it"

good call on keegan pairing himself with russell henley, bradley whispered something into henley's ear on the 18th green at east lake after they both putted out & covered his mouth to avoid lip reading...it could've been "see u on the 1st tee at bethpage next month partner"

interesting comment about collin with cameron young, agreed that burns paired with scheffler is a lock

fingers crossed that cantlay don't get picked despite his strong finish at the tour championship, he's a really bad ******* role model for junior golfers

🚨🐢⏱️ #WATCH — “He’s taking his time again… “Plenty of waggles.”

The commentators watch on as Patrick Cantlay took a while on the tee box. @TrackingCantlay pic.twitter.com/nsZybROfZ3

— NUCLR GOLF (@NUCLRGOLF) August 24, 2025

agreed re: the euro picks 1 thru 12 in the rankings, really hoping that luke donald won't deviate from that & select piece of **** 9/11 terrorist financed liv golfer sergio garcia

---

I forgot about Garcia. If Donald picks him, I would guess he leaves Matt Wallace off, and has Garcia blooding Hojgaard for the team matches. That makes sense, because I wouldn't think Sergio would play more than twice the first two days.

Also, Cal DL Aidan Keanaaina walked me through his self-built computer.

I was totally lost but I Googled it all after I talked to him. https://t.co/ihJxM8ZsSf pic.twitter.com/rKLrMJ3HKO

— David Ubben (@davidubben) August 26, 2025

harebear said:

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Shocky, you and your internetz seem to have survived the haboob?

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hare, the desert haboobs (in flagstaff we call them the summertime afternoon monsoons, early morning tee times r coveted) can really **** up a car wash unless u remember to keep the receipt from jimmy's car wash & then u get a FREE rewash!!

A timelapse view of the haboob hitting Queen Creek, Arizona on August 25, 2025. https://t.co/Ms8woiMeVJ pic.twitter.com/Uc0basNolZ

— azfamily 3TV CBS 5 (@azfamily) August 26, 2025

this is zony weather **** u don't gotta worry about at stinson beach or sam's cafe in tiburon, rite??

"Currently" 😉 https://t.co/UMAtbNLgyf

— Brett McMurphy (@Brett_McMurphy) August 26, 2025

Shocky1 said:

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Shocky1 said:

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Shocky1 said:

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Shocky1 said:

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There was nothing left…
OL + 2 side busters dinner #hungrybears

Thank you @ZacharysPizza pic.twitter.com/mjKta4TzQD

— Famika Anae (@AnaeCoach) April 22, 2025

the following are player's actual and shocky's TARGETED 315+ minimum weights for each offensive line room member after 2025 spring camp:

jordan spasojevic-moko, 6'5" 335 lbs (BEST o-line newcomer, needs to become more quick twitch +1 athletic!!)
sioape vatikani, 6'4" 315 lbs (vats took a lotta plays off last season, new cored out body is lean!!)
nick morrow, 6'8" 315 lbs (missed spring ball, at 6'8" needs to get to 330 lbs)
frederick williams, 6'5" 300 lbs (banged up at the end of spring ball, needs to get to 315 lbs)
braden miller, 6'6" 315 lbs (biggest surprise of spring running with 1s, needs to get to 320 lbs)
bastian swinney, 6'6" 305 lbs (got pushed backwards last season, needs to get to 320 lbs)
tyson ruffins, 6'2" 310 lbs (ran with the 1s this spring but got pushed backwards, need to get to 320 lbs)
daveion harley, 6'1" 300 lbs (just signed, needs to get to 315 lbs)
lajuan owens, 6'4" 355 lbs (physical mauler, needs to core out to 335 lbs)
leon bell, 6'8" 315 lbs (got starting talent upside, at 6'8" needs to get to 330 lbs)
lamar robinson, 6'3" 300 lbs (missed spring ball, needs to get to 315 lbs)
akili calhoun, 6'4" 300 lbs (ran with the 2s, needs to get to 315 lbs)
syris corley, 6'4" 330 lbs (needs to core out to 315 lbs)
tyler knape, 6'4" 290 lbs (needs to get to 315 lbs)
aiden newbill, 6'8" 290 lbs (at 6'8" needs to get to 330 lbs)
justin hasenhuetl, 6'5" 270 lbs (schulzie's favorite german needs to get to 315 lbs)

---

https://instagr.am/p/DMoN2CspSU4
https://calbears.com/sports/football/roster

cal's monster offensive line fall updates (and guys still need to keep eating their broccoli & tracking their daily protein grams):

jordan: 335 lbs, no change (hopefully more quick twitch +1 athletic, got the right bad azz attitude!!)
sioape: 320 lbs, +5 lbs (body is PRIME, last chance to show out for the NFL, impose ur will brah!!)
nick: 315 lbs, no change (gotta gain more mass coming off the injury, the +1 athlete is still too lean)
frederick: 310 lbs, +10 lbs (close to the 315 lbs goal)
braden: 315 lbs, no change (needs to add a couple more lbs to be an effective starter)
bastian: 310 lbs, +5 lbs (needs to add a couple more lbs)
tyson: 310 lbs, no change (the natural leader needs to add a couple more lbs)
daveion: 305 lbs, +5 lbs (needs a MONSTER s&c fall camp in the s&c program, still too light to start)
lajuan: 335 lbs, -20 lbs (congrats on coring out & achieving the monster target weight!!)
leon: 330 lbs, +15 lbs (congrats on achieving the monster target weight!!)
lamar: 305 lbs, +5 lbs (still needs to gain more mass)
akili: 305 lbs, +5 lbs (still needs to gain more mass)
syris: 310 lbs, -20 lbs (congrats on coring out, obviously ur moms is a GREAT cook!!)
tyler: 295 lbs, +5 lbs (developmental mode, not gonna see the field)
aiden: 290 lbs, no change (developmental mode, not gonna see the field)
justin: 285 lbs, +15 lbs (gut sommerarbeit, developmental mode, not gonna see the field)

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breakfast is the most important meal of the day!!

pic.twitter.com/baUbmLn5vj

— Tasteful Girls (@TastefulZoomers) July 31, 2025

cal's MONSTER offensive line (is NOT gonna be undersized again)#

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Rejoice! Cal has released the depth chart for its Week 1 road game against Oregon State. pic.twitter.com/a3oHEMKPAL

— Golden Bear Report (On3 | Rivals) (@CalBearsOn3) August 26, 2025

KABBBBBBOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!!!!!!!!!

coach famika anae will be starting the largest offensive line in the history of cal football this saturday against them oregon state beavers!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

left tackle: nick morrow, 6'8" 315 lbs
left guard: jordan-spasojevic-moko, 6'5" 335 lbs
center: tyson muffins 6'2" 310 lbs
right guard: sioape vatikani 6'4" 320 lbs
right tackle: braden miller 6'6" 315 lbs

yeah grown azz men VIOLENTLY ******* up their piece of **** opponents relentlessly on every ******* play while IMPOSING THEIR WILL with no more plays off otherwise ur gonna be standing on the ******* sidelines

THANK YOU coach novak and ur amazing staff!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SIZE on the o-line ******* matters when it comes to winning football games (this basic truth has escaped wilcox during his entire time in berkeley until ******* now)#
[url=https://x.com/CalBearsOn3/status/1960487234429444483][/url]

^ depth chart observations:

*****the o-line starting line up played out exactly as shocky thought it would after spring ball, yeah guys were moved around for depth purposes but this was always gonna be the MONSTER 5!!

*****the staff thinks it might be able to get a blueshirt season for sioape vatikani & thus he's now listed as a blueshirt junior...vats playing at the next level would benefit from another year from development/coaching up with his unc

*****trond grizzell & mark hamper as the starting wideouts with jacob de jesus at the slot will mark the new era of BLOCKING in the wide receiving room under coach cefalo

*****the three listed tight ends & even #4 ben marshall are pretty bunched together...luv future head coach in waiting mike saffell but his room has underperformed the last couple of years, that needs to change NOW

*****a little bit concerned about the lack of nfl size for the starting 5 defensive backs as it relates to stopping opponents run games (the minnesota game in particular will be an early test as will 1000+ yard rusher anthony hankerson this weekend in corvallis) but coach brown's unit got SPEED in defending the pass & closing on the ball

*****arguably the biggest IMPROVEMENT on the football field this fall will be explosive punt/kickoff returner jacob de jesus, anybody at the la bowl in inglewood last december knows exactly wut shocks is talking about (hopefully justin won't mandate again automatic fair catches)

*****CONGRATS to freshmen 4.0 gpa ilb1 luke ferrelli, 4.0 gpa s1 aiden manutai & 3.75 gpa qb1 jaron keawe sagapolutele on EARNING starting jobs for oregon state (they will need to play well to keep their jobs