https://instagr.am/p/C6o_qHTyGWG brendan hisao life statement: "When you're at the door of opportunity, don't knock. Kick the ***** in and introduce yourself."
brendan does this **** with NO EFFORT
shocky's half cousin brah (should we buy a watch or an aquarium??)#
just finished reading the multiple moving parts spy thrillah the collaborators which features a highly flawed (shocky is drawn to imperfections) curvy brunette yoga female which shockingly turns into an incomprehensible love story...if shocky sheds a tear or two reading a novel then it's real as ****
weird fun fact: the author michael idov looks like an intellectual peter sirmon but then again a lotta white people all kinda look the same
nohl williams, safety...out of eligibility...nfl declaration/pursuing berkeley degree craig woodson, safety...out of eligibility...berkeley degree miles williams, safety...out of eligibility...berkeley degree teddeye buchanan, inside linebacker...out of eligibility...uc davis degree xavier carlton, outside linebacker...out of eligiblity...berkeley degree liam johnson, inside linebacker...out of eligibility...princeton degree david reese, outside linebacker...grad transfer portal to syracuse...florida degree lachlan wilson, punter...out of eligibility...tulsa degree ricky correia, defensive lineman...out of eligiblity...berkeley degree tj session, offensive tackle...out of eligibility...berkeley degree rush reimer, offensive guard...out of eligibility...montana state degree will mcdonald, center...out of eligiblity...coastal carolina degree victor stoffel, offensive tackle...out of eligibility...temple degree chandler rogers, quarterback...grad transfer portal...louisiana monroe degree corey dyches, tight end...out of eligibility...maryland degree lu magia hearns, corner...out of eligibility...nfl declaration/pursuing berkeley degree marcus harris, corner...out of eligibility...idaho degree ryan coe, kicker...out of eligiblity...north carolina degree kadarius calloway, running back...out of eligibility...pursuing berkeley degree matthew wykoff, offensive lineman...grad transfer portal to houston...berkeley degree jt byrne, tight end...grad transfer portal to georgia tech...berkeley degree nate rutchena, tight end...grad transfer portal to uc davis...berkeley degree brooklyn cheek, defensive back...transfer portal to wyoming...no berkeley degree bobby engstler, punter...transfer portal to arkansas state...no berkeley degree nyziah hunter, wide receiver...transfer portal to nebraska...no berkeley degree fernando "caca" mendoza, quarterback...transfer portal to indiana...no berkeley degree david bird, long snapper...transfer portal to alabama...no berkeley degree josiah martin, wide receiver...transfer portal to oklahoma...no berkeley degree mikey matthews, wide receiver...transfer portal to ucla...no berkeley degree cheikh saliou fall, edge defender...nfl declaration...eastern kentucky degree cj harris, quarterback...grad transfer portal...ohio university degree
note: kicker derek morris (umass) not listed cuz he never had a scholly
2024 scholly roster departures: 43 bears moving on
matthew cindric, center...out of eligibility...berkeley haas biz school & masters education...new york jets barrett miller, tackle...out of eligibility...stanford engineering degree & berkeley cert program isaiah ifanse, running back...out of eligibility...berkeley cert program monroe young, wide receiver...out of eligibility...berkeley degree brian hightower, wide receiver...out of eligibility...berkeley cert program darius long jr, defensive tackle...out of eligibility...berkeley degree jackson sirmon, inside linebacker...out of eligibility...berkeley cert program...new york jets patrick mcmorris, safety...out of eligibility...berkeley cert program...nfl drafted miami dolphins raymond woodie iii, safety...grad transfer portal to bethune cookman...berkeley degree ben finley, quarterback...grad transfer portal to akron...berkeley cert program tyson mcwilliams, cornerback...grad transfer portal to uc davis...berkeley degree brayden rohme, offensive tackle...grad transfer portal to massachusetts...berkeley degree kaleb elarms-orr, inside linebacker...transfer portal to tcu...no berkeley degree everett johnson, offensive tackle...grad transfer portal to montana...berkeley degree blake antzoulatos, inside linebacker...grad transfer portal to uc davis...berkeley degree king doerue, running back...football retirement...purdue degree jeremiah earby, cornerback...transfer portal to boise state...no berkeley degree sam jackson v, quarterback...transfer portal to auburn & oklahoma state...no berkeley degree taj davis, wide receiver...football retirement...washington degree michael luckhurst, kicker...football retirement (cal soccer program)...pursuing berkeley degree muelu iosefa, inside linebacker...football retirement...no berkeley degree moso'oipala "nunie" tuitele, te/olb...transfer portal to new mexico..no berkeley degree jeremiah hunter, wide receiver...grad transfer portal to washington...berkeley degree asher alberding, tight end...football retirement...berkeley haas global access program dejuan butler, defensive back...grad transfer portal to sacramento state...berkeley degree sailasa "sai" vadrawale, defensive back...transfer portal to oregon state...no berkeley degree andy alfieri, fullback/linebacker...grad transfer portal to oregon state..berkeley degree brian driscoll, offensive lineman...football retirement...berkeley degree brett johnson, defensive lineman...football retirement...berkeley degree jaedon roberts, defensive lineman...football retirement...berkeley degree mason mangum, wide receiver...grad transfer portal to texas a&m (track)...berkeley degree isaiah young, defensive back...football retirement...berkeley degree myles jernigan, linebacker...grad transfer portal to louisville...berkeley degree ender aguilar, offensive lineman...grad transfer portal to tulsa...berkeley degree marquis montgomery, wide receiver...transfer portal to byu...no berkeley degree martin tine, offensive lineman...transfer portal to texas state...no berkeley degree kaylin moore, defensive back...transfer portal to ucla...no berkeley degree tiumalu afalava, defensive lineman...transfer portal to san diego state...no berkeley degree marquez dortch, wide receiver...transfer portal to troy...no berkeley degree sergio allen, linebacker...football retirement...berkeley degree leremia leremia, defensive end...football retirement (cal rugby program)...pursuing berkeley degree tidiane jalloh, outside linebacker...football retirement...no berkeley degree ethan saunders, defensive end...football retirement...berkeley degree
note: kicker mateen bhaghani (ucla) not listed cuz he never had a scholly
2023 scholly roster departures: 36 bears moved on
daniel scott, safety...out of eligibility...berkeley degree...nfl drafted indianapolis colts odua isibor, edge defender...out of eligiblity...ucla degree jamieson sheahan, punter...out of eligilbity...berkeley degree darius long jr, defensive line...walk on final semester...berkeley degree kyle smith, inside linebacker...portal as grad transfer...berkeley degree ryan puskas, inside linebacker...portal as grad transfer...berkeley degree orin patu, edge defender...grad transfer to arizona & bethune cookman...berkeley degree patrick histake, edge defender...portal to hawaii & northeastern...no berkeley degree henry ikahihifo, outside linebacker...portal to nevada...nevada degree braxton croteau, outside linebacker...medical retirement...berkeley degree femi oladejo, linebacker...portal to ucla...ucla degree trey paster, linebacker...grad transfer to colorado state & bethune cookman...berkeley degree fatu iosefa, safety...portal to san mateo community college...no berkeley degree kaleb higgins, corner back...portal to sacramento state...no berkeley degree ben coleman, guard...grad transfer to asu...berkeley degree spencer lovell, guard...grad transfer to kansas & nevada...asu degree ryan lange, guard...football retirement...pursuing berkeley degree jackson brown, tackle..portal to pitt...no berkeley degree jake muller, tight end...football retirement...berkeley degree elijah mojarro, tight end...grad transfer to nevada & rice...berkeley degree nick alftin, tight end...portal as grad transfer...berkeley degree keleki latu, tight end...portal to nevada & washington...no berkeley degree jermaine terry, tight end...portal to oregon state...no berkeley degree j michael sturdivant, wide receiver...portal to ucla & florida...no berkeley degree justin richard baker, wide receiver...medical retirement...berkeley degree tommy christakos, wide receiver...medical unretirement to asu...berkeley degree aidan lee, wide receiver...portal to garden city cc, minot state & bluefield state...no berkeley degree ashton hayes, running back...portal to nevada...no berkeley degree chris street, running back...portal to utah tech...no berkeley degree damien moore, running back...portal to fresno state & lamar...fresno state degree decarlos brooks, running back...grad transfer to asu...berkeley degree slater zellers, longsnapper...grad transfer to asu...berkeley degree dario longhetto, kicker...grad transfer to asu...berkeley degree jack plummer, quarterback...grad transfer to louisville...purdue degree...carolina panthers kai milner, quarterback...portal to northern arizona...no berkeley degree zach johnson, quarterback...portal as grad transfer...berkeley degree
dakota, why isn't smu offering u an official visit for today??
medical fun fact: the vast majority of people living in texas (other than buc-ee who stays indoors all day by the tasty fudge machine) are suffering from level 7 hypothermia!!
^ not so fun fact: bullied in high school by mean girls
recruiting update: unfortunately longwell wants to bring in "his guy" who got a "big leg"
https://instagr.am/p/ClhkufZvM46 the university of california, berkeley=#1 ranked public university in the world (for those like shocky that believe in the redistribution of wealth in ibiza & the united states of america thru elite educational opportunities for 1st generation college degree students like my berkeley grad moms at cal, stanford & the ivy leagues)
dakota, why isn't smu offering u an official visit for today??
medical fun fact: the vast majority of people living in texas (other than buc-ee who stays indoors all day by the tasty fudge machine) are suffering from level 7 hypothermia!!
1) wolf point: in the middle of nowhere (port lacava) the wild azz undulating greens rival augusta national in their audacity/sheer terror...architect mike nuzzo hosted me for a fun 36 hole walking day & explained/answered my questions re: the thought provoking shotmaking strategies
2) whispering pines: magical retreat that celebrates the beauty & simplicity of the game
3) trinity forest: arguably the most strategically complex coore & crenshaw design
4) austin golf club: luv doing the hang with ben crenshaw, pure azz golf experience
5) blackjack national: tiger woods design, easily the best course in the houston region
6) brook hollow: tony affluent stuffy as **** club near smu, old world design features
7) dallas national: splashy dramatic high end fazio for new money, nothing original architecturally
8) colonial: historically overrated, currently closed for a 1 year restoration by gil hanse
9) memorial park: wonderful tom doak restored houston muni, the rustic canyon of texas
10) fields ranch east: future ryder cup venue but gotta lotta ugly azz "whoville" housing
pitts, glad ur enjoying ur retirement in the hill country near san antonio (shocky is looking to visit the alamo the 1st week of april for the valero texas open which is expected to include collin morikawa as a final warm up before the masters) but let's be real here, texas got arguably the worst year round weather in the united states of america & its territories including ibiza & the panama canal!!
it's level 7 hypothermia cold in the winter december thru march & nasty azz humid hot may thru october...the attraction of texas is primarily buc-ee's, friendly people & horsey horses, zero state income taxes & a major housing value play with its affordable real estate
and that's why the university of calveston is targeting high gpa friday nite football stars that wanna leave the texas **** weather behind & live in the cosmopolitan beautiful san francisco bay area with year round cali weather & world class academics competing in the acc!!
pitts, would you please share with cal's monster class readership which includes texas players/bearents & future prospects the temperature at ur home this morning at 7:00 am & also if ur suffering from level 7 hypothermia rite now or not, ok??
not looking for a chamber of commerce essay, just a 2 digit number & a yes/no response, got it??
buc-ee got the **** outta texas to the bay (sorry oski, u been kicked to the curb)!!#
pitts, would you please share with cal's monster class readership which includes texas players/bearents & future prospects the temperature at ur home this morning at 7:00 am & also if ur suffering from level 7 hypothermia rite now or not, ok??
not looking for a chamber of commerce essay, just a 2 digit number & a yes/no response, got it??
buc-ee got the **** outta texas to the bay (sorry oski, u been kicked to the curb)!!#
The current temperature as we speak (3:40 pm central time), in Helotes, TX (just a few miles Northwest of San Antonio), is 36 degrees. At 10:30 this morning it was 29 degrees (I looked when I got up). But starting Sunday the temperature will return to highs in the 70s, and starting Monday will be in the 80s.
— Kamron wilson 3⭐️ Edge rusher (@behumble_kam9) January 29, 2025
the university of calfiornia, berkeley=#1 ranked public university in the world (for that that wanna build generational wealth playing in the acc against miami & florida state and hard work in the berkeley classrooms)
Best Universities in the World, 2024:
1.🇬🇧 Oxford 2.🇺🇸 Stanford 3.🇺🇸 MIT 4.🇺🇸 Harvard 5.🇬🇧 Cambridge 6.🇺🇸 Princeton 7.🇺🇸 California Institute of Technology 8.🇬🇧 Imperial College London 9.🇺🇸 Berkeley 10.🇺🇸 Yale
benji, does this mean that mateen bhaghani (the collin morikawa of placekicking with ice in his veins & lethal accuracy) from ucla & punter kanyon floyd from asu are signed up for the june 8th camp at memorial stadium brah??
michael kim (68, tied for 31st): strong opening round playing like un perro grande taking full advantage of the par 5s (3 under par) & not making a mess of the par 3s like the cal men's golf team (1 under par)...michael is a big fan of chipotle post round meals when on the road in the states, hopefully this week he finds una cocina fantastica!!
fun fact: beauty & stella r both drama queens too!!
heavy is the head that wears the crown (at the #1 ranked public university on planet earth including the beautiful people of mexico)#
2026 3.71 gpa 5'10" 160 lbs 4.46 40 cornerback madden soliai from kahuku high school# 2026 6'1" 220 lbs inside backer malaki soliani-tui from kahuku high school#
the university of california, berkeley=#1 ranked public university in the world (including shocky's poly descendants)
cal's monster class recruiting update: with recruiting efforts by former teammates aiden manutai & lebron williams this is turning into a cal vs utah battle for madden solai...how many TAKERS are currently getting PAID in the national football league??
apparently madden is unaware that it's 29 degrees right now in salt lake city, that's level 7 hypothermia weather for hawaiians!!...why don't the utes staff offer an official visit for this weekend in order to give a true realest experience??
🌨️ Snow continues to fall across much of northern UT and southwest WY this morning. Expect snow showers to continue into this afternoon, tapering through the evening hours. Use caution as roads are slick in spots, especially across the east benches and Tooele Valley. #utwx#wywxpic.twitter.com/HlOX6XrsJT
and the 3.71 gpa solai hasn't fully comprehended that utah is 100% an academically mediocre school compared to berkeley which is kinda important if ur life goals include building generational wealth (buying a mansion for moms in diamond head someday) & not working security at the outrigger when ur 30 years old
Best Universities in the World, 2024:
1.🇬🇧 Oxford 2.🇺🇸 Stanford 3.🇺🇸 MIT 4.🇺🇸 Harvard 5.🇬🇧 Cambridge 6.🇺🇸 Princeton 7.🇺🇸 California Institute of Technology 8.🇬🇧 Imperial College London 9.🇺🇸 Berkeley 10.🇺🇸 Yale
michael kim (68, tied for 29th): living la vida loca michael drove his 1st shot of the day into a lake & also barely managed to get outta a greenside bunker on the drivable par 4 7th hole but kept his **** together while spectacularly draining a 65 foot putt birdie 2 on the par 3 5th hole, a 100 foot chip in birdie 3 on the par 4 16th hole & a 35 yard hole out eagle 3 on the par 5 18th hole!!
kim is competing right now like the TAKERS living in the moment with a short term memory!!
this is an important lesson for the men's golf team which this season tends to spiral downwards when **** goes sideways (which it invariably does in golf/life)...one of the primary reasons collin morikawa gotta better majors record than max homa is that collin tries to intellectually learn something from every shot & then quickly moves on to the next deal which is very much a haas biz ad school taught trait...on the other hand, max tries to be too perfect in the majors, gets emotionally involved in past bad outcomes & worries/overthinks the future and that's why joe greiner returning to his bag from a meditation steadying influence is so important
benji, thx u for this personal invitation to the coach's clinic & this opportunity on march 21st to coach up/lecture wilcox re: how to manage the ******* kicking game moving forwards, plz accept this as my rsvp acceptance (go ahead & book me a palm trees view corner room at the claremont too preferably one with a long corridor for evening lag putting practice, ok?)
and make sure justin brings a notebook to my kicking seminar, dude doesn't know **** about kicking so the monster will try to talk slow so he can comprehend this ****
fyi, make sure u got a lotta 32 oz green juices for me, coffee is for losers, got it??
https://instagr.am/p/Ct23wEUO_Ib reason #476 why going to cal football games is way more FUN than posting like a sofa king on gameday threads:
so one of the highlights of the roadie to wake forest wuz seeing up close in person the demon deacons cheer/dance coach christy on her squad's platform overlooking the cal sidelines...while demonstrating the wicked demon deacs moves to her squad, shocky mimicked all her spirit moves with world class energy which got the monster a huge smile from christy (and maybe some *** looks from the wake fanbase)!!
fyi, if shocky evah decides to get a transgender operation (rite now the monster is a he/him/doggy dog), he will probably be a wake forest dancer & get epic hugs before/after every practice from coach christy!!...she will probably just think that poor ol' shockalina is just emotionally needy or something...haha, fooled her, it started with a kiss (how did it end up like this?)...
https://instagr.am/p/C_L7ojKv51Q yeah the pac 12 is clearly in the rearview mirrah (**** boring azz lily white eugene & salt lake city), shocky 100% loves the new infusion of energy/experiences with the acc, thx christy!!
heavy is the head that wears the crown (on doggy dog hikes up the mountain with shocky)#
Dear Shocky,
How are you?
I am fine.
Gotta be honest with you, I've always been wildly attracted to men that wear fuschia socks!!
Anyways thank you for your 37 texts, emails and phone calls letting me know how much FUN you had learning all the Demon Deacon dance moves at our Wake Forest football game, I can tell by your lean (in a feral kinda way) quick twitch +1 athletic hot male yoga body that you would be an outstanding Assistant Coach (or something) for my cheer/dance program!! HR wants to know what's your GPA?
Look Shocky I 100% give you my absolute word that if my husband (who sits on the sofa every Sunday in a nasty azz t-shirt with pizza stains drinking beer watching every NFL game) ever decides to come out of the closet and leave me for a really kind man name Jimmy so they can live together in Cashiers next door to Wade Hampton that you will be the 1st person to know, ok?
Hugs & Kisses!!
Coach Christy
P.S. Demond really enjoyed meeting you before the game at the Washington Perk Cafe in downtown and told me to tell you "Wut up Shocky, ur team's run game schemes are ******* ****!!"
My husband just told me he's going away this weekend to Linville with his new male friend Jimmy from the local Marlboro Men Thursday Night Bowling League who he describes as "bi curious."
What do you think this means and does it have any implications for our being off to the races??
My husband just texted me that he's taking work off today in order to see Brokeback Mountain with his new friend Jimmy at the Winston Classic Arts movie theatre.
Anyways would you please take me to Exuma in the Bahamas so we can swim with the pigs??
I really HATE freezing azz cold weather!! Do you like bacon or cold weather??
By chance will you be traveling to Winston today for the Wake Forest vs Cal women's basketball game?
If so will you please assist me with fashionista expertise re: my 2025 wardrobe, my husband wears the same scratchy wool plaid shirt with shapeless LL Bean men's jeans and Doc Martens almost every day, so manly but unattractive!!
Anyways, do you think Zimmerman with Hermes slides would be a good look for me?
https://instagr.am/p/CuHuy6dNDYM Just out of curiosity, why is this called Cal's Monster Offensive Line? Our defensive staff told me that your Bears were the most undersized and non physical offensive line we faced all season. Do you think any of the returning starters will be able to reclaim their roles with the infusion of high upside portal talent and will Coach Anae be able to work with Sioape Vatikani to not take plays off any more?
Puppy Kisses!!
Coach Christy
Dear Shockie,
How are you?
I am fine.
Benji just showed me your RSVP acceptance for the coach's clinic but do you fully understand that means our staff does the teaching not vice versa?
Look I agree with you that Dario Longhetto's 3 iron low trajectory kicks were destined to be blocked, that Ryan Coe would not pass a marine recruit psych examination for mentality stability (deep rooted high agitation) and that it was a dumb decision that led to a **** situation for Longwell to run off Mateen Bhaghani, ok?
Ryan kicked in the NFL, he must know something about kicking/punting and player evaluations, right?
See you on the 21st!
Coach Wilcox
P.S. Do you think my intermittent fasting efforts would benefit from daily 32 oz daily green juices?
https://instagr.am/p/CGXtecjA1VR fun fact: shocky just petitioned acc commish phillips that cal's currently "designated rivalry" games vs smu be switched to wake forest in time for the fall of 2025 football season & continued in perpetuity
numerous sources including president wente & chancellor lyons have already indicated that this request is likely to be approved in the very near future for "a myriad of utterly incomprehensible reasons"
in fact the only dissenter to this rivalry changeout is the university of calveston's new mascot buc-ee but since he's a beaver buc-ee don't got any access to email in order to express an opposing point of view...sorry buc-ee!!
so with this in mind plz take ur 2025 golden bear football schedule & cross out smu visiting memorial stadium on saturday november 29th & write in wake forest, got it??
the university of california, berkeley=#1 pipeline school for polys to a world class ELITE education (unlike oklahoma state) in the beautifully diverse/multi cultural san francisco bay area with cali weather (just ask mori suesue)
fun fact: alyssa "the ponytail" herrera's timeless deep yard swing is kinda like watching mateen bhaghani rhythmically drill a 57 yard field goal thru the middle third of the uprights or collin morikawa baby cut an 8 iron 165 yards to within 9 inches from the hole, these SPECIAL athletes do this **** with NO EFFORT!!!
the creative visionary: shocky's only living idol is bill coore (the monster has played every hole ever designed by him worldwide), he is a wake forest grad & a fellow north scottsdale resident
experiencing bill's golf holes is kinda like stormin' the field/court, this **** is timeless & forever etched in our memories
what r ur passions??...or r u a tv zombie that don't got season tix(s) for the 2025 bears football season with jaydn & the JET??
michael kim (67, tied for 17th): michael is leading the field in strokes gained around the green (an unreal +4.55 due to his recent developmental/training short game lessons) & ingenuously drove his ball 300+ yards down the adjacent fairway on the par 5 18th hole to set up a better angle of attack to a far left pin placement which resulted in a tap in birdie 4
guess wut, this **** is not happening by "accident" or "good fortune," it's disciplined sweat equity brah!!
My tournament day routine: Will use this week’s tee time as example Thursday 1232pm
Breakfast at 7 Get to the course 1015 (short boat ride) Warm up with some stretching, squat, push, pulls, hip hinge (all the general movement patterns) Early lunch 11 Putting green 1130…